1. The new, twentieth cycle of America’s Next Top Model starts in just two weeks!
And to help you get excited, dominatrix extraordinaire Tyra Banks whipped her new batch of model hamsters — guys and girls, this time around — into shape for an EDGY, SEXY, FIERCE pre-show photoshoot. (Interpret those adjectives loosely, Tyra wouldn’t want it any other way.)
Any excuse to dress male models in pleather pants, then. Let’s meet the cast:
2. Chris Schellenger.
Tyra says: “Gurl, where are your pants?”
4. Jiana Davis.
Tyra says: “Grrrrrrrreat job.”
Who knows why she’s a pirate all of a sudden, that’s just Tyra for you.
6. Mike Scocozzo.
Tyra says: “Wait, you’re 27 years old?! I’ve made a terrible mistake.”
8. Renee Bhagwandeen
Tyra says: “Didn’t we cast you once already, AMBREAL?”
(That’s Top Model cycle 9 alum Ambreal Williams, specifically.)
10. Don Benjamin.
Tyra says something unintelligible in a faux-foreign accent.
12. Chlea Ramirez.
Tyra says some generic bullshit about a “fiercely real” model who will inevitably be eliminated in the first two weeks of the cycle.
And then she does a dance.
14. Cory Hindorff.
16. Alex Argo.
Tyra says nothing, because her expression says it all.
(Those dangly padlocks are certainly rage-inducing.)
18. Jeremy Rohmer.
Tyra says: “Bitch please, even I don’t need that much airbrushing.”
Tyra also says, “tryouts for that Twilight wolfpack-themed gay porno were two doors down.”
20. Jourdan Miller.
Tyra says: “Tooch! Tooch! Toochie! Toochieriffic! Oh tooch you didn’t! Tooch! Tooch it! Don’t tooch me though! Tooch!”
Still trying to make tooch happen, that Tyra doesn’t give up easy.
22. Marvin Cortes.
Tyra says “…”
25. Kanani Andulez.
Tyra, still all worked up from Marvin’s photo, says: “I like you,” and winks in an intimidating manner.
Kanani then quits, because she feels uncomfortable. What a shame.
27. Chris Hernandez.
Tyra says: “Wait, I thought the gay biker bar photoshoot was scheduled for next cycle.”
29. Bianca Alexa.
Tyra says something entirely unrelated to Bianca’s photo, and then just talks about some hardship she endured during her early modeling career for a while.
31. Phil Sullivan.
33. Nina Burns.
Tyra says, “I admire your commitment to this broke down air doll pose, but is your right leg actually meant to bend like that?”
Tyra then clarifies, “I’m only asking because I care.” Which is a lie, because it’s all for the RATINGS.
35. Anyway, this cast looks like it will bring the necessary Top Model crazy, so that’s good. Bring on the show.
36. Although the season may have already been spoiled by a band of a band of serious superfans.
But hey, even if you do know what’s happening in the judging room each week, it’s still worth watching for ROB EVANS. And for Tyra’s new smize tips. And for the fights. And for the crying. And for Kelly Cutrone, but of course.
All images courtesy of the CW Network.
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