1. Let’s just pretend we’re all called “Darrel,” and this message is about wearing super short shorts.
3. Shorts made famous thanks to the workout classic Sweatin’ to the Oldies.
4. Not to mention Sweatin’ to the Oldies vol. 2, 3, and 4.
And more still.
5. Obligatory Sweatin’ to the Oldies GIF goes here.
6. The stripy wonders are old school Dolfin running shorts, specifically. Everyone should wear them when the weather is like it is right now.
7. They come in lots of different colors. Only one length though.
8. And they’re a timeless workout choice.
They look as good in this this inflight safety video for Air New Zealand — filmed in 2011 — as they did Simmons’ original videos, which were filmed, well, a bit before 2011 really.
9. Richard likes to pose in the shorts for Facebook photos, as you would, if you were wearing the shorts in this heat.
Glasses shaped like snakes are optional, but encouraged.
10. Here he is “planking” in some at the Louvre.
Technically it’s not really planking if you’re just lying on the ground, but who wants to spoil Richard Simmons’ fun?
11. And he recently filmed a sexy-looking Geico commercial in a black and white striped pair.
12. Doesn’t Oscar-winning director Tom Hooper look thrilled to be adding the piece to his resume?
(NO, HE DOES NOT.)
13. In fact, Simmons likes to post Facebook photos wearing lots of different short shorts that would be a good idea right now.
Another wonderful thing about Richard Simmons’ Facebook quotes: the bizarre and confusing comments his followers leave. My favorite here from one Lori Davanzo reads,”I love you Richard, but that is a little bit too much for me.”
16. Lately though, Simmons has taken to wearing leggings.
They are fabulous, yes, but less advisable when its hot as balls outside.
17. Sometimes these leggings are worn solo.
Good question also: “Do you wear tank tops???” Because right now, YOU SHOULD.
21. Instead of traditional leggings, it’s possible to wear those skin-colored tights like ice skaters often do.
This is a classic Simmons wardrobe choice. But again, not really advisable in hot hot heat weather.
22. (It should be noted that, on occasion, Simmons will dare to wear the Lycra on on its own.)
23. But then it’s understandable that you’d want some sort of support hosiery underneath your fishnet short shorts, for example.
24. They’re obviously helpful on days when Simmons gets particularly whimsical.
25. And, again, risqué.
26. Still risqué. And sparkly.
28. Risqué to the point of (perhaps) NO SHORTS WHATSOEVER. A step too far, even with fringe in the mix.
29. But anyway, let’s regress to the handy topic at hand: heat-beating shorts.
32. And definitely not leather trousers, what is this even ABOUT?
33. Wispy thin running shorts. The best thing to be wearing on a hot summer’s day. Watch them in this video.
YOU MUST WATCH THIS VIDEO: Simmons leading a bunch of confused male Midwesterns at the Columbus Convention Center in a spirited workout to the tune of Lady Gaga’s “Edge of Glory.”