1. Irina Shayk.
2. Anna Dello Russo is carrying enough quarters* in her clutch to keep the amFAR jukebox playing flamenco music all night. Try and play some Europop instead, just try it.
*or the French equivalent, the 20 cent Euro coin.
3. Karlie Kloss.
If Karlie had only found the time to diversify her new line of extra-long legged jeans into formalwear already, she’d have been much better covered. Nobody likes getting a chill around their ankles.
4. Selita Ebanks and her side-boob.
5. Rosie Huntington-Whiteley.
6. In a more interesting all-white look, Chanel Iman.
7. And in the best possible all-white look, Janet Jackson. Because of these oddly-tailored pants, whatever they are.
(They are amazing.)
8. River Viiperi & Paris Hilton.
9. Look at how IN LOVE they are. Or just look at this glitzy, tufty mess of an ice skating costume with a sheer skirt tacked on.
10. Similarly, Joan Smalls is wearing a carabiner belt. And it looks much less ridiculous than her sheer skirt.
11. Ginny Weasley was there!
12. Girls Aloud singer Nicola Roberts.
13. Duran Duran.
Sound the alarm, because there are some slippers (possibly moccasins, not that they’d be any improvement) at amFAR. Duran Duran’s John Taylor will most certainly be blacklisted, if Cannes God Roberto Cavalli hasn’t had him killed already.
14. Speaking of, here’s Cavalli.
15. Ok what is it with male musicians and inappropriate footwear? Shame on you, Hot Chelle Rae guy second from the left.
16. Kat Graham, never missing an opportunity to take dressing up a step too far.
You pick: the black lipstick, the feathery peplum, the Bedazzled pumps. Any/all would count.
17. Aishwarya Rai Bachchan.
18. Liberty Ross.
19. A small gaggle of models: Dalianah Arekion, Stephanie van der Laan and Soo Joo Park.
20. And one more model trio: Danny Beauchamp, Angela Lindvall and Jacey Elthalion.
Both guys got the same clothes because not enough people care about male models and their feelings. Love the silver brogues, though.
21. Rosario “Jolie Leg” Dawson.
22. Stacy Keibler.
True story: Stacy’s invites are increasingly likely to include the disclaimer “only attend w/George Clooney” if she doesn’t start wearing interesting clothes for the red carpet when she shows up solo.
23. Audrey Tautou.
24. Giovanna Battalgia is Cannes glamour personified.
25. Whereas Ulyana Sergeenko looks like a cross between the wardrobe of Downton’s Lady Mary and one of her maids.
26. Andres Velencoso & Kylie Minogue.
27. Heidi Klum in a shower curtain.
28. And now a series of models in dresses with cut-outs: Isabeli Fontana.
29. Karolina Kurkova with her best “come at me, bro” pose.
30. And Ana Beatriz Barros. Not technically a cut-out, but half of her skirt is clearly missing.
31. Followed by a series of models in mostly sheer dresses: Petra Nemcova.
32. Izabel Goulart.
33. And possibly Magda Laguinge because who even knows what’s going on here.
34. Zhang Yuqi.
35. Jeremy Irvine & Ellie Goulding, who were later admitted to hospital with mercury poisoning.
It’s like someone broke open a jumbo-sized thermometer and poured it on her gown. Sabotage!
36. Here’s a dapper man: Jon Kortajarena.
37. And here’s Zachary Quinto, whose otherwise dapper-ness I refuse to consider until this bad case of stubble is explained.
38. Dita Von Teese.
39. Alessandra Ambrosio looking like a very classy lingerie meringue.
40. Milla Jovovich also looks like a meringue. But one covered in edible silver leaf.
41. Lara Lieto & Adrien Brody.
42. Johannes Huebl & Olivia Palermo.
43. And Olga Sorokina, who’s clearly livid that someone wore more animal print than her. This is Cannes, Olga, what did you expect?
44. Bianca Balti.
(Real-talk headline: Bianca Balti…should have picked a better dress.)
45. Victoria Silvstedt is tired of this.
46. Jessica Chastain is also tired. You can see it in her eyes. (And her “didn’t even bother” loosely-curled hair.)
47. Whereas Dylan McDermott is thrilled to be here, clearly.
And wouldn’t you be, if you were Dylan McDermott?
48. Carine Roitfeld, in a high-waisted skirt with an elasticated waistband. How about that?
49. And her daughter Julia Restoin Roitfeld, in a much more conventional red carpet look.
50. Toni Garrn, her visible undergarments & this guy in shades.
This look a bit like a set of Wild West bordello curtains re-imagined. Sorry Toni, it’s not the new “Kim Kardashian couch dress” meme, though.