Alejandro Alba: I don’t understand this character. Is he the one who inspired the Wookie language?
Tazz Uppin: I thought Chewbacca got his name because he chewed really loudly. His face is so silky. I wonder what shampoo he uses.
AA: I had a substitute teacher who claimed he knew how to speak Wookie. My co-worker occasionally will do it too. They sound like pigeons.
TU: He looks like an old-timey, kinder, sweeter King Kong. I hear good things about Wookies.
AA: I’m sure she’s the princess everyone talks about.
TU: She seems like a low-key princess. How does she make her hair stay up like that, though?
AA: She looks like a badass, but wait, doesn’t she engage in incest???
TU: Princess badass? Do those buns also double as headphones?
AA: Yeah, she totes hooked up with Luke who I think is her brother. People made a big deal out of it.
AA: OK, this guy looks fucking evil. But, like, I think I know he’s the hero, but turns evil?
TU: Is Han Luke’s father? I don’t know. Maybe I should watch this.
AA: This universe is so confusing. He’s Darth, isn’t he? I mean, just look at all the shade he’s throwing at Han.
TU: Skywalker is a cool last name.
AA: Yeah, like, did he get it from walking on the sky?
TU: If he’s one of the good guys, I’ll happily be Mrs. Tazz Skywalker.
AA: Oh, now I understand why I’ve been called Han Solo every time I wear my black vest over a white shirt.
TU: I know him as Indiana Jones.
AA: He looks like the cool uncle. You know, carefree, funny, and loves alcohol.
TU: Damn, he does look cool. Space President Indiana Jones to the rescue.
TU: Is he the Voldermort of Star Wars? It looks like he’s saying “Avada Kedavra.”
AA: Awwww, no! Everyone knows who Yoda is. He’s the cute old green man. He’s obviously good and wise.
TU: He’s so not cute. He looks like ET’s cousin. I guess he can be cool.
AA: Duh, he’s good. The incredible Ewan McGregor is playing him.
TU: He looks like the kind of guy you’d take home to mom. But then again it is Ewan McGregor.
AA: He’s the kinda guy who needs a name change.
TU: Also, does he sing in this movie? Because if so, I definitely want to watch it.
AA: OMG! Star Wars the Musical! Let’s start writing the script.
AA: My cousin’s dog is named Anakin.
TU: His name reminds me of Nagini from Harry Potter, and she was evil so Anakin must be too.
AA: You’re making too many HP references, but yes, he’s evil. He played Stephen Glass in Shattered Glass so he has to be the bad guy.
TU: He looks like the god of hell.
AA: WAIT! I think he’s Darth Vader?!
AA: Duh, he’s bad. He says, “Luke, I am your father.” And he dresses in black.
TU: Hmmm, glow stick weaponry. Nice choice, Vader.
AA: What are those glow sticks called?
TU: Light sticks. It’s like a rave party.
AA: She looks like some goddess. Do they have goddesses?
TU: Her outfit and hair make her look like a human satellite.
AA: I feel like she would have super powers as well.
TU: Yeah, she picks up signals from evil people and aliens.
AA: Oh, and fun fact, Keira Knightly played her double. See, I know some stuff about this franchise.
TU: Definitely a band name.
AA: This one is the popular robot. Not the gold one.
AA: I feel like he’s useless. All robots are.
TU: No, he reminds me of Wall-E. “Wall-E, I am your father!”
AA: This one is the unpopular robot, who is also useless.
TU: I kinda like him.
AA: It’s sad how he has no expression. Like, not even a resting bitch face.
TU: Maybe he’s not that useless and he can turn things into gold.
AA: Is he possessed by a demon? I fear that his head might start turning and he’ll projectile vomit.
TU: He’s a DEATH EATER!
AA: Another HP reference, but I kinda see this one.
TU: He supports Vader like Death Eaters support Voldermort!
AA: He’s the demon who possessed Palpatine.
TU: WTF is this? He’s Anakin’s minion.
AA: Probably. Hold on, are those horns on the side of his head? What the actual fuck?
TU: He’s badass; he’s creating lightning from a light stick.
AA: I think he’s fighting it. I have no idea who this is. Is he good? Bad? IDK!
AA: I honestly had no idea Samuel L. Jackson was in the Star Wars franchise.
TU: I didn’t know Harrison Ford, Natalie Portman, Keira Knightley, Ewan McGregor, AND Liam Neeson were a part of this!
AA: OK, I know he’s a badass because he rescues kidnapped girls.
TU: Liam Neeson? More like Liam Awesome! AMIRITE?!
AA: He’s probably the one who saved the princess.
TU: He rescues either Leia or Natalie’s character.
AA: He should be a good guy — he has a green light. Green generally means good.
AA: I know this because I’ve heard rude people use it as an insult.
TU: He looks like an evil monster, but is he? Is he bad or good?
AA: Does it matter? He’s disgusting! I can’t stare at it for long — it makes me feel weird.
TU: Does he live in a hut?
AA: Good question…
TU: I’d hang with Jar Jar Binks.
AA: Yeah, he looks like the dorky, funny yet loving best friend everyone should have.
TU: Ummhmm. Totally like a cool space dog.
AA: But better!