The Movie “Mulan” As Told By Someone Who Has Never Seen It

Someone gets made into a man?

1. This is Mulan. At first she’s pretty angsty because she has to wear a ton of makeup and dresses even though she’s def a tomboy.

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2. So she sings a little Christina Aguilera to help her get through it.

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3. She owns a dragon who helps her to cook dinner when she’s too busy learning swords and stuff.

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4. The dragon can somehow talk even though that’s clearly impossible.

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Come on, Disney. You’re supposed to be a bastion of realism.

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5. I have no idea who this woman is or why she is doing the windmill thing with her arm, but she’s in there at some point.

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6. Everyone in the village likes to play tug of war with Mulan’s hair, which is a plot point because she gets her hair cut later?

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7. There’s this Red Cape Man who lives in her village, and Mulan’s got a major crush on him.

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8. He’s a big strong man who does strong man things like break valuable pottery.

So macho.

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9. He also rides a horse and makes Mulan bring it to the stables.

This is still the same guy, right? IDK.

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10. Her dragon is maybe a little jealous because he totally thought he had a chance.

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11. At some point, Mulan leaves the village and has a snowball fight with these two normal sized men and one giant.

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12. There is a big fire that burns down Mulan’s entire village, but she wasn’t there during the blaze because she was having her snowball fight.

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13. Eventually Mulan goes to war. Again, this dragon should not be able to talk.

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14. This withered ghost/monster decides to shame Mulan for going to battle.

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Someone’s not a fan of gender nonconformity.

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15. Other people are upset with Mulan for wanting to fight, too, and there’s a reference to a cow as well just because?

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16. Red Cape Man and Mulan are in the same battalion, and somehow he manages not to recognize her.

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17. War and stuff happens.

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18. Mulan’s fighting against these Huns. There’s some song about defeating them that literally everyone and their mother starts singing when this movie is brought up.

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19. Damn, she can ride.

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20. And then she defeats the Huns and saves all of China!

You go, Mulan!

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21. A bunch of people are happy about that and bow down to her, like she’s Beyoncé or something.

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22. This wizened elderly man, who may or may not be Mulan’s father, gives her this janky crooked sword in honor of her victory.

Mulan, that sword is broken. Why are you so happy?

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23. And Red Cape Man realizes who she was all along, even though his grammar is terrible.

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24. And in the end they get together because yin and yang and all that.

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25. And that’s the story of Mulan.

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26. I think.

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