19 Genius Beach Body Tips You Haven't Heard Before

All it takes is a plan and a can-do attitude.

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2. Happy hours are opportunities to drink your calories. Get two PhDs, one in food science and one in chemistry, and invent, market, and distribute a calorie-free alcoholic beverage.

3. Reduce the appearance of cellulite by asking friends and coworkers to refrain from looking at your arms and legs.

4. After a big meal get rid of that heavy feeling by moving to outer space or getting on a free-falling amusement park ride, which will simulate the feeling of weightlessness.

5. Morning coffee can be an opportunity for extra calories from creams and sweeteners. Pour yourself a mug of dry coffee grounds and chew/suck on them instead.

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7. Your social group can influence your eating habits. Make new friends who share your values by adopting a new identity and starting a new life in another state.

8. Make junk food inconvenient by eating only what you can farm at home.

9. You don't have to avoid your favorite snacks per se, but you should not actually eat them.

10. Making weight loss progress can take a long time. To keep your morale up, create a new system of time where a month is only one week long. See how much progress you'll make in just four months!

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12. Eating at night has been linked to weight gain and should be avoided. Start wintering in Reykjavik, Iceland, where an average mid-winter day has only a few hours of sunshine.

13. Find an excuse to get more exercise. For example, park farther away from your destination, such as in your driveway or an adjacent state line.

14. The bigger your grocery carriage or basket is, the more food you'll buy. Swap out your standard carriage for a clutch.

15. Metabolism slows as you get older. Seek a sorcerer who can concoct a potion that gifts its imbiber with everlasting youth.

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17. Most grocery stores are full of unhealthy snacks. Open your own national chain of grocery stores.

18. Eating emotionally can lead to weight gain. Do not eat while actively experiencing emotions.

19. Consistent stress is associated with weight gain. Opt out of the endless cycle of melancholy and boredom punctuated with acute suffering that is everyday existence by moving to a temperate, silent, deserted, and otherwise uninhabited location where you can focus your mental, spiritual, psychological, and physical energy on lowering your stress.

Obviously don't do any of these because a) they're bananas and totally not intended to be taken seriously, and b) the only thing you need to do to get your body beach-ready is throw on some sunscreen.