In the early '90s, a group of men with more money than sense figured out they could make dinosaurs.
They made all the dinosaurs female, and kept them locked away on an island prison where they could be exploited for profit.
Some of the dinosaurs, like this, um, Long Neck, were given yard privileges and the illusion of freedom.
The velociraptors were considered too dangerous to roam free. They didn't seem to appreciate captivity, so were treated with derision and fear.
"Listen up, ladies. There are two things I fear: dinosaurs and women, and you're both."
The terrified prison guards surrounded the cell, ready to dish out some electroshock therapy.
Raptors don't deal in threats. Raptors deal in murder. So to prove they didn't give a fuck about rules, they legit murdered a dude.
"It hurts so much..."
Nine raptors arrived at Jurassic Park. Only three survived.
The leader of the pack was Thelma, the biggest and baddest of the bunch.
There was also Janine.
They waited. They studied. They murdered cows.
"Cow? Again? When are we gonna spring this taco stand, Thelma? I want to murder other things."
“Are we at least going to talk about this ‘Jurassic Park’ bullshit? More like Cretaceous Park, am I right?"
The raptors studied their jailers. Learned their strengths and weaknesses.
They named this guy Stern Face. He always looked like you'd just pissed on his Christmas tree.
There was the polite woman guard, who they called Ellie.
There was the head guard, Hunty Man. He had a penchant for big guns and short shorts.
Then there was Ian “Just Fuck Me Already” Malcolm, who was made entirely out of sex, and sauntered around talking dirty like he'd just fucked you sideways.
And finally, the warden's snot-faced grandchildren, who were almost entirely gristle, barely a meal between them.
After months of plotting, it was time to put the plan into action. Jackie, a triceratops and would-be actress, feigned illness to lure the guards into the park.
"Nah bro, I'm toast. I'm done."
Jackie was a horrible actress, the literal worst, but her sick schtick did the trick.
Every prison has a screw that's a little loose, and Jurassic Park was no exception.
At the appropriate hour, as darkness arrived on the back of the tropical storm, Dennis turned off the systems.
The other humans were suitably confused.
"Are you kidding me? Dennis Nedry, that sweaty fuck."
"He's caused a whole hell of a mess in here. Plus his keyboard is clogged with Cheeto dust."
With the guards stranded in the middle of the park, the plan moved smoothly into phase three.
It was time for Karen.
Karen, the invariably cheery yet socially awkward T. Rex, was the plan's wild card.
The raptors knew they could count on her to fuck shit up, entirely by accident.
"Maybe she just wants to play?"
"This is such a fun game!"
"Come on, let's be friends. What's your name?"
"Here, I brought you a present!"
"What are you doing in there? I wanna see!"
"Ooh shiny!"
"How about you, sexy man? You wanna play?"
"Hey, what's in here?"
"P-p-p-please..."
"What's the matter, are you stuck? Here let me help."
"Hey, where did everyone go?"
"Oh, goddammit, Karen, you big dummy. You've ruined everything. Again."
"Guys, come back. Guys."
At the other end of the park Dennis was trying to rendezvous with his contact.
His contact was Frieda the Fixer. Anything you need, Frieda could get you. For a price.
"I've shut down all the systems, and locked the controls."
"Oh, Dennis, you disappoint me."
"But you prom..."
"I had so many fucks to give, Dennis. I really did. So many."
"Time to die."
At the control centre, an injured Ian "Just Fuck Me Already" Malcolm was opining sexily about the dangers of something while looking like he just fucked your sister.
"Why the hell not, Ian? We need to get the phone systems back online."
"I mean, what's the worst that could..."
"SHIT! Ian, you were right. Sexy and right!"
"Just the way I planned it, thank you very much."
Because she was quite fabulous – as far as humans go – Ellie escaped, and assumed Thelma was locked in.
Nearby, Louise and Janine had lured Hunty Man into the bushes.
But Hunty Man didn't realise it was a trap.
"Girl?!"
For some reason, Hunty Man decided not to try to shoot the velociraptor chewing on his face.
The raptors headed inside to find the keys to the chopper, which, in case you're wondering, was actually the plan.
"Hangry? Like, hungry and also angry at the same time?"
"Thelma can die in a house fire."
"You've got to be kidding me."
"So wait, the plan is seriously to steal the keys to the chopper and fly ourselves out of here?!"
"Janine. You are glorious, and you can do anything."
"Besides, velociraptors are relatively dextrous. Imagine that stumpy-armed fuck Karen trying to fly a helicopter."
Unbeknown to the raptors, Boy Snack and Girl Snack were hiding out in the kitchen. They were shit at being quiet.
"Never mind that, there's a freezer."
While Louise foraged in the freezer, Boy Snack managed to shut her in there.
The kids ran to the control room and met up with Stern Face and Ellie. Janine was close behind.
Stern Face struggled to close the door, realising the locks hadn't been reset. He told Girl Snack to fix it.
Luckily 11-year old Girl Snack was prodigiously talented at computers. Because, you know, plot.
"UNIX?"
Despite the least user-friendly interface in the history of bullshit movie computing, Girl Snack managed to reset the locks.
Where Thelma and Janine were waiting for them.
"Can we seriously talk about this chopper plan? It does not seem well thought out at all. Like, I mean so far it's been great, but, like...a chopper?"
Surprise Karen!
"You're gonna talk shit about Karen? This is what you're gonna get!"
"Bodyshame me now, fuckers."
And that, friends, is the story of how a group of velociraptors almost escaped their man-made prison.
