1. Afterglow Intimate Massager
This doctor-designed vibrator uses light technology to increase blood flow to your genitals. Plus, it comes pre-programmed with an eight-minute vibrating playlist for your vagina. Penises…don’t do that.
Get it here for $199.99.
3. We-Vibe 4 Plus
It’s a wearable vibrator that hits your clitoris and your G-spot at the same time. Plus, it comes with an app that you or a partner can control from literally anywhere with Wi-Fi. Can a human appendage give you an orgasm from a mile away? Didn’t think so.
Get it here for $179.
10. OhMiBod Blue Motion
Discreet enough to keep in your pants when you’re going to a club…or grocery shopping. Plus, you can record a vibration pattern that was particularly amazing and play it again later. Real genitals just can’t be trusted to be that consistent.
Get it here for $129.
12. Revel Body SOL Sonic Vibrator
It massages, vibrates, and provides underwater suction. This thing is basically an excuse to call out sick from work.
Get it here for $139.
Will they ever stop making new and improved versions of the rabbit-style vibe? Probably…when penises come equipped with clitoris-rubbing bunny ears.
Get it here for $99.99
15. JimmyJane Form 5
Who knew your labia actually needed some vibrating TLC, too? Actually, wait, this vibe knew.
Get it here for $145.
16. The Ultimate G Vibrator
I mean, come on. Just look at that thing. Penises are running scared just thinking about it.
Get it here for $49.48
Disclaimer: This post was mostly* meant to be sarcastic.
Obviously not everyone WANTS a boyfriend in the first place, and, in a more general sense, human connection is a wonderful and fulfilling thing. But so are machine-powered orgasms. Not to mention, the two don’t need to be mutually exclusive. That said, sometimes you just want to do you. And that’s also a perfectly acceptable way to spend an afternoon.
*Excluding No. 13, because holy shit.
- Tennessee authorities have charged 2 minors with starting the massive wildfires that killed 14 people last month.
- Donald Trump has picked former WWE CEO Linda McMahon to lead the Small Business Administration.
- At least 2 women say Stanford offered them money to close federal probes into its handling of sexual assault cases.
- Dozens of employees and patients say the US's biggest psychiatric chain locks up people for insurance money.