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16 Sex Toys That Are Better Than A Boyfriend

Attention everyone: The vibrators are evolving. Bye, relationships.

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Want even more ~satisfaction~? Check out the collection of lingerie at Adam & Eve, a ton of bestselling sex toys at Lelo, and a slew of beginner vibrators at Babeland -- plus so much more!

1. Afterglow Intimate Massager

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This doctor-designed vibrator uses light technology to increase blood flow to your genitals. Plus, it comes pre-programmed with an eight-minute vibrating playlist for your vagina. Penises…don’t do that.

Get it here for $199.99.

3. We-Vibe 4 Plus

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It's a wearable vibrator that hits your clitoris and your G-spot at the same time. Plus, it comes with an app that you or a partner can control from literally anywhere with Wi-Fi. Can a human appendage give you an orgasm from a mile away? Didn’t think so.

Get it here for $179.

4. LELO Siri 2

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This handheld vibe knows you don't like distractions when you orgasm. It works with the noise around you (like your sex playlist or that freaking car alarm that won't quit) to help you get off to the beat.

Get it here for $129.

8. kGoal

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It’s a kegel trainer that rewards you with vibration. So basically it uses orgasms to encourage you to work out. If your partner did this IRL, you probably wouldn’t be together much longer.

Get it here for $149

10. OhMiBod Blue Motion

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Discreet enough to keep in your pants when you’re going to a club…or grocery shopping. Plus, you can record a vibration pattern that was particularly amazing and play it again later. Real genitals just can't be trusted to be that consistent.

Get it here for $129.

Disclaimer: This post was mostly* meant to be sarcastic.

Obviously not everyone WANTS a boyfriend in the first place, and, in a more general sense, human connection is a wonderful and fulfilling thing. But so are machine-powered orgasms. Not to mention, the two don't need to be mutually exclusive. That said, sometimes you just want to do you. And that's also a perfectly acceptable way to spend an afternoon.

*Excluding No. 13, because holy shit.