Health

16 Sex Toys That Are Better Than A Boyfriend

Attention everyone: The vibrators are evolving. Bye, relationships.

1. Afterglow Intimate Massager

Afterglow / Via youtube.com

This doctor-designed vibrator uses light technology to increase blood flow to your genitals. Plus, it comes pre-programmed with an eight-minute vibrating playlist for your vagina. Penises…don’t do that.

Get it here for $199.99.

2. PicoBong Transformer

PicoBong / Via picobong.com

This bendy little guy actually knows more positions than your last hookup.

Get it here for $129.

3. We-Vibe 4 Plus

We-Vibe / Via usa-shop.we-vibe.com

It’s a wearable vibrator that hits your clitoris and your G-spot at the same time. Plus, it comes with an app that you or a partner can control from literally anywhere with Wi-Fi. Can a human appendage give you an orgasm from a mile away? Didn’t think so.

Get it here for $179.

4. LELO Siri 2

LELO / Via lelo.com

This handheld vibe knows you don’t like distractions when you orgasm. It works with the noise around you (like your sex playlist or that freaking car alarm that won’t quit) to help you get off to the beat.

Get it here for $129.

5. INA Wave

LELO / Via lelo.com

They made a vibrator that can actually mimic that “come here” finger motion that your partner does to hit your G-spot. So basically, ban men and don’t look back.

Get it here for $199.

6. Crave Duet 8 GB Luxe

Crave / Via lovecrave.com

This toy knows — and accepts — that size doesn’t matter. Also, it doubles as a flash drive, so it’s already more helpful than your last Tinder date.

Get it here for $219.

7. LELO Ora 2

LELO / Via lelo.com

DIY oral sex. Good job, science.

Get it here for $169.

8. kGoal

Minna / Via minnalife.com

It’s a kegel trainer that rewards you with vibration. So basically it uses orgasms to encourage you to work out. If your partner did this IRL, you probably wouldn’t be together much longer.

Get it here for $149

9. My Secret Screaming O Vibrating Mascara

The Screaming O / Via thescreamingo.com

Can some guy fit in your makeup bag and give you an orgasm? Nope.

Get it here for $14.97.

10. OhMiBod Blue Motion

OhMiBod / Via shop.ohmibod.com

Discreet enough to keep in your pants when you’re going to a club…or grocery shopping. Plus, you can record a vibration pattern that was particularly amazing and play it again later. Real genitals just can’t be trusted to be that consistent.

Get it here for $129.

11. TROJAN Vibrating Multi-Thrill

What has three different sensations and a vibrating bullet? Not a man.

Get it here for $29.99.

12. Revel Body SOL Sonic Vibrator

Revel Body

 

It massages, vibrates, and provides underwater suction. This thing is basically an excuse to call out sick from work.

Get it here for $139.

13.

Fifty Shades of Grey Official Collection

 

Will they ever stop making new and improved versions of the rabbit-style vibe? Probably…when penises come equipped with clitoris-rubbing bunny ears.

Get it here for $99.99

14. Screamin’ Demon

The Screaming O / Via thescreamingo.com

It’s almost like a tiny little vulva, but with vibrations and horns. Human anatomy kinda can’t compete with that.

Get it here for $17.95.

15. JimmyJane Form 5

Jimmyjane

 

Who knew your labia actually needed some vibrating TLC, too? Actually, wait, this vibe knew.

Get it here for $145.

16. The Ultimate G Vibrator

The Ultimate G Vibrator

 

I mean, come on. Just look at that thing. Penises are running scared just thinking about it.

Get it here for $49.48

Disclaimer: This post was mostly* meant to be sarcastic.

Obviously not everyone WANTS a boyfriend in the first place, and, in a more general sense, human connection is a wonderful and fulfilling thing. But so are machine-powered orgasms. Not to mention, the two don’t need to be mutually exclusive. That said, sometimes you just want to do you. And that’s also a perfectly acceptable way to spend an afternoon.

*Excluding No. 13, because holy shit.

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