Welcome to the new BuzzFeed Sex Q&A where you can ask us your awkward, confusing, gross, embarrassing, or just heavy thought-provoking questions, and we'll provide answers from leading sexual health experts. Have a question about sex or sexual health? Send it to sexQs@buzzfeed.com.
This week's question: What it means when your boyfriend doesn't orgasm during sex.
First, definitely don’t assume it’s about you. There is actually a legit condition called delayed ejaculation.
This is when a person has no issue getting or keeping an erection, but they do have trouble ejaculating. They either take a really long time to come, or they don't orgasm at all with their partner. The thing is, they can orgasm solo — they might even finish themselves off after not being able to come during sex, says Fisch. All of that sounds pretty classically Your Boyfriend.
Now here are a few reasons why this might be happening:
1. He might be masturbating too much.
2. He could also be watching a bit too much porn.
3. He might be taking certain medications that can play a role here.
Like antidepressants, antipsychotics, high blood pressure meds, narcotics, and some diuretics. Many of these drugs can have sexual side effects, and it might be worth asking him to talk to his doctor about it. The doc may be able to prescribe an alternative with fewer side effects.
4. He's been drinking.
5. It might be related to an infection or health condition.
Realtalk: It could be a possible symptom of a prostate infection or urinary tract infection, though this specific and particular issue probably wouldn’t be the only symptom he's noticing. Inability to orgasm during intercourse could also occur in men with nerve damage, neurological disorders, heart disease, or certain hormonal conditions (like hypothyroidism or low testosterone). If this is a relatively newer issue for him and if he's concerned at all, you might talk to him about getting a general checkup to make sure everything is still ticking along as it should be.
6. Or there might be something else going on.
So, now you know. What can you actually do about it?
Whatever's going on, you don't want to blurt out "Why are you taking so long?!" Because, rude. If you suspect his masturbation or porn habit is getting in the way of your intimacy, talk to him about that and see if it's something you'd both be willing to work through. He might have to cut back on masturbating or switch up his technique (like jerking off with his non-dominant hand) to undo his dependence on specific sensations, says Fisch. If you're afraid to bring it up outright, just ask how the sex is for him and if there's anything you can do together to make it even better.
If it's psychological, you might need to read the situation to see what's at the root of the issue and what you can do to help him let go, says Engler. Does he not feel secure enough in the relationship? Is there some sort of emotional disconnect? Addressing these things could help pinpoint the issue.
Of course, there's always the chance that he doesn't find this to be a problem and you do, which would make it a matter of sexual incompatibility. Maybe he thinks his sex life is fine as is and has no desire to change it. That's a perfectly fine way to feel, but then it puts the onus on you to decide if you're satisfied (physically and emotionally) with this type of intimacy, or not.
Do you have a question you want answered by our sex experts? Email us at sexQs@buzzfeed.com.
ALSO, the more details you give, the better answers you'll get. Judgment-free zone!