1.
first time masturbating: whoa that was great last time masturbating: whoa that was great
2.
DOCTOR: Bad news. You have a disease and the only cure is frequent, aggressive masturbation from the age of 12. ME: Mom...I'm gonna make it
3.
If there's a sock on my doorknob it means I'm having sex with the other one.
4.
the worst part of jerking off is closing the other six tabs of porn I didn't even get to and realizing this is as ambitious as I get
5.
If pets could speak, the only thing my cat would talk about is how much I masturbate.
6.
*looks around childhood room* "if these walls could talk..." *wall speaks up* "dude if you jerk off in here again i'm gonna fucking lose it"
7.
Of course I use tissues when I masturbate, how else would you deal with all the crying
8.
apparently i masturbate in my sleep, turns out i'm a slumberjack
9.
i feel like porn has given me such unrealistic expectations for sex. for example, having it with another person
10.
911, what's your emergency "I'm masturbating too much" Sir that's not really a problem "one sec. DID YOU HEAR THAT MOM? NOW GET OFF MY CASE"
11.
A doctor once asked me "How often do you milk yourself" referring to masturbation and I don't think I've ever recovered
12.
"My new years resolution is to masturbate more gently" *pulls dick clean off* "hahaha omg FAIL"
13.
sometimes i think i'm lonely but then i masturbate and think 'oh. nah i'm good' and order pizza
14.
Welcome to masturbation anonymous. I see everybody came today. That's disappointing.
15.
[nike commercial] *wake up early morning* *put on shorts, running shoes & headband* *stretch legs* *sit down at laptop & start masturbating*
16.
future highway moment: two men masturbating on their morning commute in their self driving cars accidentally make eye contact
17.
[watching my life flash before my eyes] Ok wow, that's a lot of masturbation. Is there any way to fast forward this?
18.
Millennial: Ugh everything sucks. FML. Me: I used to have to jerk off to catalogues.
19.
Hard to believe that men had to use one of these to masturbate back in the old days