1.
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it's pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
2.
Was late to work today because I was busy taking a personality quiz on which Lion King character I am.
3.
I stuck my hand into a coin-filled fountain and used $3.99 of other people's wishes to buy a burrito.
4.
*wife walks in to see the boys have built a chair fort* Wife: PUT THOSE CHAIRS BACK! Me *climbing out of fort* YOU HEARD YOUR MOTHER!
5.
One time I invited a guy over for dinner but I didn't feel like cooking so I just poured us each a bowl of cereal really romantically.
6.
I don't know my own phone number but I do know my best friend's ex boyfriend's aunt's Hulu password.
7.
I found an old soy sauce packet in my makeup case this morning and had to pretend to be confused
8.
Honk all you want, but if I don’t eat these donuts at this green light I’ll have to share them at home.
9.
Caught myself absentmindedly drinking a water bottle while peeing, and for a moment knew the phenomenology of a rain gutter.
10.
I wonder what my 2,570 emails are about.
11.
Before I buy a leaf blower I want to make sure I understand the rules. We just blow the leaves at each other's houses, right?
12.
I recently added squats to my workouts by moving the beer into the bottom shelf of the fridge.
13.
one door closes another opens one door closes another opens one door closes another opens - me eating through a chocolate advent calendar
14.
I'm not saying I'm a domestic goddess, but I did just put clothes in the dryer without spilling my wine.
15.
I just sent an office-wide email to a business where I no longer work saying "Muffins and Danish in the break room, help yourself!"
16.
congrats on your engagement 2 people viewed my linkedin profile this week so things are lookin good over here as well
17.
I can't afford a treadmill or a gym membership, so I just walk the wrong way on the airport moving walkways wearing spandex shorts.
18.
Just brushed my teeth then ate a ton of chocolate covered toffee, at this point I should just start peeing in my bed?
19.
Friend 1: I was promoted. Friend 2: I got engaged. Friend 3: My wife is pregnant again. Me: One of my selfies almost got 50 likes.
20.
i guess i'm not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
21.
I FOUND MY OLD YOYO AND PEOPLE KEEP ASKING ME TO RUN ERRANDS AND DO STUFF FOR THEM AND I'M LIKE SORRY CAN'T BECAUSE YOYO
22.
*loses an acrylic nail while attempting to open a carton of chocolate milk* I'M NOT A GIRL, NOT YET A WOMANNNNN
23.
*takes off bra* *Dorito chip falls out* Nice.
24.
still haven't fully unpacked from a trip i took in 2009
25.
Is making the jerkoff motion at every phone call and email I get at work considered cardio?
26.
Calculating how many pockets full of playground wood chips I'll need to carry home in order to mulch all my flower beds.
27.
If by "adrenaline junkie" you mean I wait til the last minute to charge my phone then yes. Yes I am.
28.
There's this woman in my office who is wearing the same outfit as yesterday and she reeks of tequi......ok it's me.