This is Chris Heaton-Harris, Conservative MP for Daventry. His Twitter account is a non-stop stream of jokes.
Here's some of Heaton-Harris's worst / best tweets (delete as appropriate):
1.
Walked into a hotel reception earlier. Receptionist asked: "Are you here for the Twitter convention?" I said: "Yes." He said: "Follow me."
2.
An ice cream van exploded in Daventry today. Details are flaky, but Police have coned off the area. Hundreds and thousands had to be rescued
3.
I took an ex-girlfriend to Wimbledon once. She hated it. It rained pretty much the whole time and Vinnie Jones got sent off.
4.
Someone just threw a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I’m not hurt, just some super fish oil injuries.
5.
Still trying to change Internet password. Just tried using "labourseconomicpolicy" but that was too weak.
6.
Woke up in the night thinking that the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was in the room. First I was afraid, I was petrified...
7.
My wife spent the whole of last week looking for the square tool that bleeds the radiator. Turns out I was down in London.
8.
A hungry traveller stops at a monastery. In the kitchen a Brother is frying chips. “Are you the Friar?” he asks. “No I’m the chip monk.”
9.
When I found out my new phone number was going to be in Roman numerals I was LIVID.
10.
My extra sensitive toothpaste doesn't like it when I use other toothpastes.
11.
A man dressed as a clown just held a door open for me. What a nice Jester.
12.
A hungry traveller stops at a monastery. In the kitchen a Brother is frying chips. “Are you the Friar?” he asks. “No I’m the chip monk.”
13.
My mate asked me to come up with eleven puns about Wimbledon. I reckon Tennis enough.
14.
I’ve a mate who believes the cradle of civilisation is located in Zagreb. He’s a Croationist.
15.
3 years of studying for my ballet degree and all I got was a 2:2
16.
I broke my Hoover a week ago & since then, in an act of defiant irony, it just sits there in the corner, gathering dust.
17.
Breaking: Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.
18.
What does an Egyptian Mummy dance to? Rap hat-tip Matt Hancock
19.
Auto-correct can be your own worst enema.
20.
Over the past decade, the price of origami materials has risen tenfold.
21.
Did you hear about the actor who fell through the trap door? It was just a stage he was going through.
22.
I just got back from a statistical probability conference. I don’t want to be mean, but it was average.