1. Okay, a conference room filled with dudes, and a conference room filled with ladies. None of them look thrilled.
2. One lady got up and left. Smart move.
3. Okay, Mariés au Premier Regard is about marriage, right? Men in suits, women in wedding dresses.
4. Are all of these people in these conference rooms getting married? Is this like France’s version of The Bachelor?
5. Aw! Benoit and Nathalie seem like a nice couple. A little uncomfortable maybe, but nice. I hope they make it.
6. Wait, did they just introduce themselves to one another? They’re not just now meeting for the first time are they, because that would be INSANE!
7. Like, we’ve got some pretty messed up reality shows in America, but this is a whole new level France. Even on The Bachelor they get to meet the person they’re forced to marry at the end of the season.
8. Same, Natalie’s mom. Same.
9. I feel like I missed something. I don’t speak ANY French, so I’m flying a little blind. The show just starts with a wedding?! That’s unbelievable. This can’t be the first time they’re meeting. That must be illegal.
10. FUCK! THEY’RE REALLY JUST MEETING FOR THE FIRST TIME?! What the HELL?!
11. I’d like to see the divorce statistics for this show. I bet they’re astronomical.
12. What if they hate one another? Who’s regulating this? Are there, like, experts behind the scenes making sure they’re a good match?
13. Wait, are these three people who keep cutting in the “experts”? If so, they should be stripped of all degrees and certifications, because this is a crime against humanity.
14. The only sound advice any expert can give in this situation is, “This is a terrible idea. Definitely, definitely do not do this.”
15. Wow, Natalie does not look totally happy.
16. Does she get the option to ditch? RUN, Natalie! This is insane!
17. Actually, Natalie. If you’re desperate to marry a total stranger, maybe you should just take what you can get. Benoit seems nice enough.
18. Okay! I guess we’re done with Benoit and Natalie! We’re on to Valentine and Justin. Apparently they’re 78%. 78% of what, I can’t say.
19. LOL. Justin rides around on a hoverboard. Maybe that's why he's having such a hard time finding love.
20. Are they 78% compatible? Is that what that means? Because if that’s the case, that’s NOT THAT good!
21. Like, if a doctor told me I was sick, and had a 78% chance of survival, I’D STILL BE PRETTY FUCKING WORRIED.
22. Lol, Justin’s friends seem VERY skeptical. Yes, Justin’s friends. You’re right to be skeptical.
23. Don’t toast him! Don’t indulge this madness, Justin’s friends!
24. Okay! Back to Natalie and Benoit! Let’s see how this ended up!
25. Okay, total silence in the car leaving the ceremony. Not a promising start.
26. Okay, they refuse to get close to one another for the wedding photos. Still not a promising start to their lives together.
27. God, Natalie looks like she’s about to burst into tears. This is the worst.
28. I haven’t seen a woman this unhappy to be at a wedding reception since my own wedding! Ha ha. Just kidding.
29. The bride and groom enter the room to tepid, forced applause.
30. Benoit is introducing himself to her parents and it physically hurts to watch it’s so awkward.
31. Oh! The parents are laughing together! They like each other.
32. Damn, the parents have more chemistry than the bride and groom.
33. This is the first I’ve seen Benoit and Natalie say a word to one another during this whole episode.
34. Benoit taks to much. A good marriage is built on communication, BENOIT. Jeez, no wonder you couldn’t find someone who would marry you.
35. One thing Benoit and Natalie have in common is that they can’t dance very well. Maybe that’s enough to build a marriage on?
36. Wait… I didn’t think of this before now. They’re not leaving the wedding to go… consummate… are they?
37. I haven’t seen a woman that uncomfortable at the idea of sex with a man since my own wedding night! Ha ha. Just kidding.
38. Back to Justin and Valentine! Justin’s friend, Denim Dan, came to visit. I guess he’s helping him pack? I don’t know what he’s packing for.
39. LOL. Of course Denim Dan tells Justin to pack his best denim shirt.
40. Look, the guy is wearing a lot of denim, is all I’m saying. I mean, he’s crushing that look. He pulls it off.
41. I want to like Justin and Valentine. I really do, but if they agreed to be on this show, there’s definitely something wrong with them.
42. Justin’s meeting up with his buddies, and they’re ALL WEARING DENIM! “The Denim Dudes”
43. Justin: Good at bowling. Bad at finding love.
44. Whoa. Wait… is this the FIRST commercial break in an HOUR?! The way you guys do dating shows is insane, but they way you do commercials is pretty brilliant.
45. OH MY GOD! Watching these two make small talk on their wedding night HURTS MY SOUL!
46. OH NO! BENOIT HAS TO SLEEP ON THE COUCH!
47. I mean, of course he does, but still… it’s heart-breaking.
48. Honeymoon time! Looks like they’re headed somewhere pretty. At the very least, when this marriage inevitably falls apart, they will have gotten a free vacation out of it.
49. They’re going on a quad bike tour, and Benoit is a maniac on that thing. It’s like he’s got a death wish. It’s like he’s realized he’s made a huge, life-changing mistake and is looking for a way out.
50. Maybe just like, a light coma.
51. Look at Natalie’s face. She’s wondering, and so am I, if she’ll ever be happy again.
52. Whoa! And we’re back to Justin and Valentine. Aww. Valentine looks beautiful. God, I can’t believe this stupid show if making me feel emotional.
53. God dammit! Her dad (I assume that’s her dad) looks so happy and proud. I HATE THAT THIS SHOW IS MAKING ME FEEL THINGS!
54. HAHAHAHA! Denim Dan is wearing a denim suit!
55. And he’s fucking WORKING it!
56. Justin cleans up pretty well. He looks sharp in that tux!
57. Okay, it’s the big moment! Valentine’s family seems impressed with Justin! So far so good! I can’t believe I’m actually invested in this.
58. Aw! Look how charming Justin is! He’s introducing himself to her family while we wait for Valentine to show up!
59. Look at him! He’s working the room. Trying out some jokes. Making them laugh!
60. I love that one of Valentine’s family members absolutely did not consent to being on this TV show. I definitely wouldn’t either.
61.Oh god! Here comes Valentine! I hope this works out! I hope they like one another! (And I hate that I’m this excited about it.)
62. Yay! Justin likes her!
63. YAY! Valentine likes him! It’s love at first sight! Love is real!
64. Look at the way she’s looking at him! I think they’re in love!
65. JUST SAY OUI VALENTINE!
66. DO IT! LOOK AT HIM! HE’S GREAT!
67. VALENTINE, LISTEN TO ME! THIS IS YOUR ONE SHOT AT LOVE! DO THE RIGHT THING!
68. NONONONONONO!!!!
69. You can’t DO THIS TO ME, Mariés au Premier Regard! I NEED to know what Valentine says!
70. Ugh, I’m canceling my flight home. I need to stay here and see what happens.
