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31 Thoughts A British Idiot Had Watching France's Left-Wing Debate

In French politics, no-one can hear you scream.

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1. OK, let me get this straight. It's not a presidential debate. It's just a debate to determine who goes forward as a one of the candidates for the presidential election?

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2. And there are three of these? Sheesh.

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3. Oh my god you guys actually have pre-match build-up. Like it's a world cup final or something.

What is there to discuss? No-one has said anything yet. You guys take this stuff waaaay too seriously.
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What is there to discuss? No-one has said anything yet.

You guys take this stuff waaaay too seriously.

4. Oooh, and here come the rules. I can hardly contain my excitement.

Surely people don't need to be told how to vote? It's not complicated.
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Surely people don't need to be told how to vote? It's not complicated.

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5. Nice to see they've asked Cliff Richard's tired, sad younger brother to present again.

France 2 / Via BBC

6. Apparently they've also asked the BFG to take part.

France 2 / Via Disney

7. OK here we go. The bleakest game show ever.

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8. Such a diverse and exciting line-up of candidates! Why, here's Boring White Guy With A Blue Tie.

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9. Here's... Boring White Guy With A Red Tie.

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10. And here's Other Boring White Guy With A Blue Tie.

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11. It's just so wonderful to see politics reflecting the cosmopolitan totality of modern France.

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12. Meanwhile this is the face of a woman who fully expects to be both mansplained to and manterrupted throughout this debate.

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13. What is it with France and old, bald politicians?

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14. He's weirdly animated, this one. So many gesticulations.

One too many cafés noirs backstage beforehand, perhaps?
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One too many cafés noirs backstage beforehand, perhaps?

15. "Nuh-huh, talk to the hand, girlfriend."

So sassy.
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So sassy.

16. And what on earth is this all about?

francetvinfo.fr[débatgauchepremiertour] / Via France 2

You're putting yourself forward for the job of most powerful man in France. Why are you doing a funny little jig?

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17. Wow, this guy's listening face is intense.

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18. OK, OK, I'll vote for you, just please stop staring at me like that.

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19. Blue Steel.

France 2 / Via Paramount Pictures

20. Wow, this is heavy going. Is anyone going to smile at any point?

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21. Ah, there we go.

francetvinfo.fr[débatgauchepremiertour] / Via France 2

22. Still, there's not a lot of energy here. Aren't French politicians supposed to be passionate about socialism? They seem bored out of their minds.

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23. Christ, I'd forgotten this guy was even here.

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24. They're talking about the European Union now. Ahem. Can we change the subject please?

Too real.
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Too real.

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25. When do I get to vote one of these contestants off the show?

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26. "You are the weakest link, goodbye."

If only.
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If only.

27. Not one of these people stands the slightest chance of becoming president, do they?

I don't speak French or follow French politics and even I can sense that.
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I don't speak French or follow French politics and even I can sense that.

28. "Le déficit." Pretty sure I understood that.

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29. OK, that's it. I'm done. When is this election anyway, like next week?

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30. IT'S NOT UNTIL APRIL 23???

NOOOOOOOOO.
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NOOOOOOOOO.

31. Me, contemplating another three months of this goddamn election.

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Luke Lewis is BuzzFeed's Head of European Growth and is based in London.

Contact Luke Lewis at luke.lewis@buzzfeed.com.

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