18 Strange German Food Habits That Americans Will Never Understand

Shock and awe.

1. Porno Marshmallows

James Kavanaugh

Dirty Sanchez. Ed Powers. Super Dickmann's. Sounds like a porn producer more than a cookie, doesn't it? I pissed myself laughing the first time I saw these bad boys at REWE.

2. Water Ain't Free

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Gone are the days when water boys would quickly appear to refill empty glasses with huge pitchers of icy, FREE tap water. You want water in a restaurant, show them the money!

3. Flavored beer

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But why? You have some of the best beer in the world! Adding any flavoring to beer after it's brewed should be punishable by a minimum 10 years in prison.

4. Brotzeit is ForeverZeit

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Question: When ISN'T it bread time in Germany? It's already a crucial part of every single meal! To name a full meal "bread-time" just seems like overkill.

5. Raw Pork Sandwiches

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AKA mett sandwiches. I told my mom they eat raw pork here and her eyes popped out of her head. This is Stanley Kubrick on shrooms. Crazy.

6. Staying skinny with Kaffee und Kuchen

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It's the most important meal of the day in Deutschland, so how the hell do you Germans stay so skinny? It boggles the mind.

7. Pickled Würste

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Sure we have Spam, but this is taking processed meat depravity to a whole new level. Salty hot dogs bathed in salty water is just wrong.

8. Eating Pizza With a Knife and Fork

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This bothers me more than those people who don't eat the crust. (Those Satanists deserve their own ring in hell.) Pizza is eaten with YOUR HANDS! Fold, flop, and feed!

9. Mayo on French Fries

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I just vomited writing this one. Warm fries and cold mayo? Damn (SMH). Why would anyone want to ruin a perfectly good french fry by using anything other than ketchup?!

10. Chip Flavors like "Cool American"

James Kavanaugh

What the $%&§ flavor is "Cool American"? Or how about "BBQ Rib"? Your snack industry is in desperate need of a branding expert.

11. No ice in your drinks when you are in a restaurant.

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They never heard of Vanilla Ice's jam here. Generally speaking, you get NONE in your drinks. Period.

12. We Out the Fridge Now!

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For Americans (unless you grew up on a farm), seeing chicken shit and feathers on your eggs is not normal. Listen, I get it. We wash and refrigerate ours, you don't. But DAMN!!!

13. Edelschimmel aka Luxurious Mold aka WTF.

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Advertising mold as "luxurious" makes no sense whatsoever. I mean come on. Really?

14. Oh-My-God-WTF-Is-That Salad

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When I was 5 years old, I would grab anything I could get my hands on, pour it in a glass, mix, and dare people to drink it. Herring salat looks just like that: the ultimate "I dare you."

15. Leftovers Are Not Really Your Own

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The quizzical looks from waiters. The sense of confusion from staff. Just take the food I haven't eaten and wrap it up, damn it!

16. Asparagus Fetish

James Kavanaugh

In Germany, it's not just a delicious vegetable that makes your pee stink. Once a year, it is worshiped like a new pair of Yeezys. It is so beloved that someone actually spent the time to invent a huge machine that peels it! Unbelievable.

17. Spreadable Pig Fat Is Cool

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Sure it's weird, but it's also awesome. Arguably the single greatest thing Germany has ever created.

18. Döner Is the Real National Dish of Deutschland

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Be honest! Not schnitzel, nor currywurst, but döner kebab is the true national dish of Germany. Peace! I'm out! (Drops mic)