15 Things Germany Does Way Better Than America

Bang on your chests and be proud damn it!

1. Driving Fast As All Hell Without Crashing

Instagram: @mw_fotografie_leipzig

You're so well rested you can go 250km/h and not have to worry about exploding in a huge fireball. As Americans, we are impatient, arrogant, ultra competitive, overmedicated, and need sleep. It's amazing we can even drive at all. If you were to unleash that on a highway with NO speed limit (like your autobahn) you would get car accidents so big they could see the smoke from space.

2. Social Medicine

Instagram: @doctors_lifestyle

You guys wake up and go to the doctor without even thinking about how much money it costs. My mom is so afraid of going broke she hasn't been to the doctor since 2012!! She'd rather spend the money on a vacation than finding out she needs hemorrhoid surgery.

3. Debt

instagram.com

You lucky bastards don't go broke like we do. You pay your credit cards off every month! By the time I was 19, I was already 25,000 $ in debt and came within a few keystrokes of selling my kidney on the darknet to get out of it.

4. Maternity Leave

Instagram: @stylish_bump

A new mother can take up to 2 years here without worrying about a damn thing. In the land of the free, home of the exhausted, taking anything longer than 2 weeks = job loss or pay cut. It's beyond absurd.

5. Nudity

Instagram: @diemak

For a country with the biggest porn industry in the world, we ironically act like a bunch of 5 year olds when we see a titty in public. For you Germans, a titty is just a titty. Even the mannequins in malls stay with some hard nipples.

6. Recycling is Life

Instagram: @stimmeonline

Most Americans seem more preoccupied with what selfie filter to use on Instagram than worrying about the environment. For you guys, it's a national priority. For us, it's a national embarrassment.

7. Traveling Anywhere

Instagram: @miss_corali

Most 'Merican's don't even have a fucking passport. What's even sadder is that many of us only have 10 vacation days a year. That means we spend most of our time watching other people take vacations on TV shows, which is so sad, and depressing, it almost brings me to tears.

8. Security at the Airport

Instagram: @mickyismad

In Germany, they treat you like a person. In America, they treat you like Pablo Escobar. I have PTSD from my last run in with those savages.

9. Washing Machines More Powerful Than The Sun.

Instagram: @kerstins_oase

The damn things have the scrubbing power of an entire village. An average cycle is 2 hours here in Germany, not that bullshit 36 minute cycle that most washing machines in the states seem to have. I swear to god I never knew what clean clothes were until I moved here.

10. No Jury Trials

Instagram: @mitchjackson

What happens when 12 strangers, picked to deliver a verdict, who know nothing about the law, are forced to work together, to decide about someones freedom? OJ Simpson's innocence, that's what. In Germany, a judge is allowed to use something that is more important than just their understanding of the law: common sense.

11. Police Officers, Not Wanna-Be Clint Eastwoods

Instagram: @polizei_ffm

Police officers up in Deutschland treat you like a person first, and then a criminal (which is refreshing). Listen, I get it. Guns are everywhere in the US so police have to be more cautious. But it's just a traffic stop bro, not an episode of "Homeland". Do you really need a gun that big??

12. The News

Instagram: @constantinschreiber

Objectivity has been hit by a car, and been on life support for years in the US. But in Germany, boring old facts go before money and ratings. Isn't that the way the news is supposed to be?

13. College

Instagram: @cl2017

It's practically free here. Imagine the hell that is graduating from an American university, and your reward is instantly being $100,000 in debt. I honestly can say I didn't learn shit in college that is worth that money.

14. Building Roads

Instagram: @olliebug67

I passed a construction site on the autobahn, and my brain exploded. You build and fix things the right way. In NYC when they want to fix the road, they throw a caution cone out, 2 guys jump out of the back of a pickup truck, fill the pothole with hot cement, bounce, and then repeat every 12 months for 20 years.

15. Politicians Who Aren't A National Embarrassment

Instagram: @profchallenger

Your politicians are boring, but at least they act like adults. In the US, they are more interested in endless dick measuring and useless, petty, political infighting than getting things done.