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29 Glorious Takedowns Of #SafetyTipsForLadies

Twitter users are taking on the depressing topic of women’s safety tips and flipping it into absurdist realtalk with the hashtag #SafetyTipsForLadies.

1.

Most rapists are people, so consider only befriending animals and ghosts #safetytipsforladies— Kim

2.

If you are attacked, go Super Saiyajin. Your pubic hair will go blonde & spiky and shred his boyparts. #safetytipsforladies— N. K. Jemisin

3.

Learn to clone dinosaurs so you can ride a T-rex everywhere you go. #safetytipsforladies— Louisa

4.

When going anywhere alone, set yourself on fire. Remember: They can’t rape you if you’re on fire. #safetytipsforladies— RamenKing

5.

Store Legos in your vagina w/a quick release mechanism so you can drop them like caltrops as you run away. #safetytipsforladies— Godless Grrl

6.

#safetytipsforladies coat yrself in mayonnaise and sit in the sun. rapists are instantly confused + repelled also it is v good for your hair

— binxxxxxxx (@Emily Shannon)

#safetytipsforladies coat yrself in mayonnaise and sit in the sun. rapists are instantly confused + repelled also it is v good for your hair— Emily Shannon

7.

Only go outside when absolutely necessary. Who needs education, work, food or friends? #safetytipsforladies

— Karnythia (@Mikki Kendall)

Only go outside when absolutely necessary. Who needs education, work, food or friends? #safetytipsforladies— Mikki Kendall

8.

Most rapists can't fly, so use your firebolt to commute to work/ school every day. #safetytipsforladies #nerdyhumor

— Hirn_Sieb (@HirnundSieb)

Most rapists can’t fly, so use your firebolt to commute to work/ school every day. #safetytipsforladies #nerdyhumor— HirnundSieb

9.

Remove your vagina. Carry it in your purse. #safetytipsforladies

— thewayoftheid (@The Comeback Kid.)

Remove your vagina. Carry it in your purse. #safetytipsforladies— The Comeback Kid.

10.

spend 10 years living in isolation on a snowy mountain w a reclusive kung fu master, perfecting the art. use as needed. #safetytipsforladies

— brokeymcpoverty (@Brokey McPoverty)

spend 10 years living in isolation on a snowy mountain w a reclusive kung fu master, perfecting the art. use as needed. #safetytipsforladies— Brokey McPoverty

11.

Instead of running, begin singing Sonny and Cher songs. The rapist will have no choice but to engage in a duet instead #safetytipsforladies

— kelseygambles (@Kelsey Gamble)

Instead of running, begin singing Sonny and Cher songs. The rapist will have no choice but to engage in a duet instead #safetytipsforladies— Kelsey Gamble

12.

if necessary, transform your vagina into nick fury. the eyepatch will confuse the hell out of rapists. run for it! #safetytipsforladies

— deluxvivens (@My Little Uruk-Hai)

if necessary, transform your vagina into nick fury. the eyepatch will confuse the hell out of rapists. run for it! #safetytipsforladies— My Little Uruk-Hai

13.

Turn just right during a solar eclipse and slip sideways into a parallel dimension where people value consent. #safetytipsforladies

— LouisatheLast (@Louisa)

Turn just right during a solar eclipse and slip sideways into a parallel dimension where people value consent. #safetytipsforladies— Louisa

14.

Consider wearing a bodysuit of live chameleons at all times, in order to blend in to your surroundings #safetytipsforladies

— gumbuoy (@Mail Ssinnigcm)

Consider wearing a bodysuit of live chameleons at all times, in order to blend in to your surroundings #safetytipsforladies— Mail Ssinnigcm

15.

Consider splicing your genes with those of a pufferfish so that you expand with spikiness whenever a rapist comes near #safetytipsforladies

— CaptKimothy (@Kim)

Consider splicing your genes with those of a pufferfish so that you expand with spikiness whenever a rapist comes near #safetytipsforladies— Kim

16.

Have yourself laminated. Sure it's suffocating, but really, you must do your bit to prevent being assaulted #safetytipsforladies

— allthepie (@Lady Parts)

Have yourself laminated. Sure it’s suffocating, but really, you must do your bit to prevent being assaulted #safetytipsforladies— Lady Parts

17.

if necessary, transform your vagina into a black hole with red matter. #safetytipsforladies #meta

— deluxvivens (@My Little Uruk-Hai)

if necessary, transform your vagina into a black hole with red matter. #safetytipsforladies #meta— My Little Uruk-Hai

18.

Do you have soft, fleshy limbs? Statistically, robots are less likely to be assaulted. Consider becoming a Terminator. #safetytipsforladies

— hilaryjfb (@Hilary Bowman-Smart)

Do you have soft, fleshy limbs? Statistically, robots are less likely to be assaulted. Consider becoming a Terminator. #safetytipsforladies— Hilary Bowman-Smart

19.

Unconsciousness is alluring to rapists. Have you considered being perpetually awake? Approach Red Bull for sponsorship #safetytipsforladies

— allthepie (@Lady Parts)

Unconsciousness is alluring to rapists. Have you considered being perpetually awake? Approach Red Bull for sponsorship #safetytipsforladies— Lady Parts

20.

If you hide your forearms in your sleeves, the rapist will mistake you for a T-Rex and carry on his way #safetytipsforladies

— hilaryjfb (@Hilary Bowman-Smart)

If you hide your forearms in your sleeves, the rapist will mistake you for a T-Rex and carry on his way #safetytipsforladies— Hilary Bowman-Smart

21.

Cover yourself in grease at all times, in case you need to make a quick getaway and by sliding to safety #safetytipsforladies

— kelseygambles (@Kelsey Gamble)

Cover yourself in grease at all times, in case you need to make a quick getaway and by sliding to safety #safetytipsforladies— Kelsey Gamble

22.

Disguise yourself as a tumbleweed when travelling. You will confuse rapists into thinking no one's around. #safetytipsforladies

— leighformayor (@Leigh Harris)

Disguise yourself as a tumbleweed when travelling. You will confuse rapists into thinking no one’s around. #safetytipsforladies— Leigh Harris

23.

Pour honey on yourself and roll in bird seed. Birds will then flock to form an impenetrable barrier to rapists #safetytipsforladies

— hilaryjfb (@Hilary Bowman-Smart)

Pour honey on yourself and roll in bird seed. Birds will then flock to form an impenetrable barrier to rapists #safetytipsforladies— Hilary Bowman-Smart

24.

It's well known that rapists have evil background music accompaniment, so keep your ears open and listen! #safetytipsforladies

— verylemonade (@ASSHOLE WIZARD GIRL™)

It’s well known that rapists have evil background music accompaniment, so keep your ears open and listen! #safetytipsforladies— ASSHOLE WIZARD GIRLâ„¢

25.

#safetytipsforladies at parties wear a fashionable suit of armor that can only be removed using wire cutters

— ShayleeActually (@Shaylee)

#safetytipsforladies at parties wear a fashionable suit of armor that can only be removed using wire cutters— Shaylee

26.

just kill everybody before they have a chance to attack you. #safetytipsforladies

— brokeymcpoverty (@Brokey McPoverty)

just kill everybody before they have a chance to attack you. #safetytipsforladies— Brokey McPoverty

27.

Rapists find it difficult to rape while made of stone. Try becoming Medusa, or if that is too difficult, a basilisk. #safetytipsforladies

— Punderful (@John Rice-Whetton)

Rapists find it difficult to rape while made of stone. Try becoming Medusa, or if that is too difficult, a basilisk. #safetytipsforladies— John Rice-Whetton

28.

The majority of rapists are known to the victim. Consider not knowing any men. #safetytipsforladies

— gimmepanda (@Kate Wood)

The majority of rapists are known to the victim. Consider not knowing any men. #safetytipsforladies— Kate Wood

29.

Stop being a woman in public. #safetytipsforladies

— Karnythia (@Mikki Kendall)

Stop being a woman in public. #safetytipsforladies— Mikki Kendall

All credit goes to @hilaryjfb for starting the hashtag. Read more about the backstory here.

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heben@buzzfeed.com
Contact Heben Nigatu at heben@buzzfeed.com
 
 
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