22. Wham!, “Last Christmas”
Seriously, it’s been a year. Get over it.
21. The O’Jays, “Christmas Just Ain’t Christmas Without The One You Love”
The upbeat tempo helps make it easy to forget that this song is about spending Christmas alone. New Year’s, too.
20. Bing Crosby, “I’ll Be Home For Christmas”
So … you actually might not be home for Christmas? Bummer.
19. Johnny Cash, “Ringing The Bells For Jim”
Jim pulls through at the end of the song so it’s not all bad, but Jim spends 95% of this song dying.
18. Marty Stuart, “Even Santa Claus Gets The Blues”
17. Taylor Swift, “Christmases When You Were Mine”
If only boyfriends and girlfriends could fit down chimneys.
16. Coldplay, “Christmas Lights”
…What is actually going on here.
15. The Emotions, “What Do The Lonely Do At Christmas”
They listen to this song and cry into their fruitcakes and try to sleep until New Year’s.
14. Prince, “Another Lonely Christmas”
This one starts off kind of sexy, reminiscing on skinny dipping in a pool, but then, woops! She’s dead. Merry Christmas, guys.
13. Elvis Presley, “Blue Christmas”
The lyrics are sad, but the harmonized moaning and wailing in the background make them even sadder.
12. Luther Vandross, “Every Year, Every Christmas”
But what if Santa doesn’t know to bring your presents to you on the corner?
11. Charles Brown, “Please Come Home For Christmas”
Maybe now is a good time to start considering liquor a “friend.”
10. The Mighty Mighty Bosstones, “Xmas Time”
Maybe now is a good time to start hanging out with Charles Brown and his new friend up there.
9. Boyz II Men, “Cold December Nights”
No Christmas song should ever contain the word “sorrow.”
8. Stevie Wonder, “Someday At Christmas”
One day the world won’t be such a horrible, murderous, sucky place! Til then, everything is awful.
7. Nat King Cole, “The Little Boy That Santa Claus Forgot”
A charming song about a boy who watches kids playing with their new Christmas toys, then presumably goes home to play with old syringes and broken razor blades.
6. Skip Ewing, “Christmas Carol”
If there’s one thing a sad Christmas song loves, it’s orphans wandering the streets alone.
5. Simon And Garfunkel, “7 O’Clock News/Silent Night”
Two minutes of a newscaster reading horrible headlines about how terrible everything is with “Silent Night” in the background. Why.
4. Marvin Gaye, “I Want To Come Home For Christmas”
Nothing says Christmas like images of soldiers chained up in foreign prisons.
3. The Everly Brothers, “Christmas Eve Can Kill You”
A man who can’t land a ride while hitchhiking in the cold on Christmas Eve admits that if he had a car, he’d leave wouldn’t stop for a hitchhiker, either. Tis the season!
2. Bob Carlisle, “Christmas Shoes”
1. Hermann Lammers, “Faith In Santa”
A homeless kid named Billy finds Santa and asks him if he can go live with Jesus in Heaven where the people are much nicer than the abusive family he ran away from, then dies.