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The Only Thing You Need To Read About Sony’s PlayStation 4 Event

It costs 400 dollars, and these are the games you’ll be playing on it.

1. In February, Sony announced the PlayStation 4, their first new console in seven years.

3. They showed off the new controller (which has a share button!) and some impressive cloud and social gaming features, and a pretty nice slew of mainstream and independent games.

4. But they forgot two biggies: What the hell the thing looks like! And how much it costs.


(And when it’s coming out, other than “this year”.)

5. Tonight at the E3 conference in Los Angeles, Sony finally showed the world the PS4:

7. It’s a black parallelogram, with a blue streak.

8. (It kind of looks like a PlayStation 2 and an Xbox One had sex and made a baby.)

9. It costs 400 smackers (100 less than the Xbox One) and now it’s coming out “This holiday season”.

10. Sony only announced one new exclusive title for PS4. It’s set in a really cool misty foggy old London town.

11. No no, it’s not some boring history thing. You shoot stuff off.

12. It’s called The Order: 1886.

13. So what else did Sony announce, exactly? Well, they gave little updates on the four exclusive games they announced in February.

14. The shooty Killzone: Shadow Fall:

16. The vroomy Drive Club:

18. The zappy Infamous: Second Son:

19. (It has an extreme hero. Note the beanie.)

20. And the charming Knack:

22. And then they showed a bunch of footage of big games that aren’t exclusives. Like Assassin’s Creed IV: Black Flag, which has undeniable foliage.

24. And undeniable beards.

26. Oh! And a new Final Fantasy game, the 15th one! It has a villain with an umbrella, which is probably the evilest thing a villain can carry.

28. And Square also announced a third Kingdom Hearts. This combination RPG/Disney tribute series is a fan favorite. There are melted nerd hearts and giant nerd boners everywhere tonight.

29. Oh, and Bungie showed off the first in-game footage of Destiny, their first post-Halo project. I mean, it looked cool. What did you think, they’d show up at E3 with a pile of shit?

30. After that, Sony stuck it to Microsoft a little bit. You see, Microsoft has recently made some unpopular decisions regarding used games (you can’t really sell or buy them) and internet connectivity (the Xbox One has to be connected).

31. When this slide came up, the crowd started chanting “Sony! Sony!”

32. Here’s cheeky Sony rubbing it in a little more. Scamps!

33. And yeah, you don’t need to be connected to play disc-based, single-player games.


(Of course, gaming is moving the way of digital. But this didn’t stop some rabid Redditors from proclaiming Sony’s triumph in the yet-to-begin console war.)

34. Anything else? Well, there was a tech-demo sorcerer who looked unintentionally like Larry David.

35. Oh, and one more thing for the old-schoolers. They are remaking Oddworld: Abe’s Oddysee, which is like one of the greatest games, ever.

37. So, yep, a lot of games to chew on. What do you think? Xbox One or PS4?

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