Katie stood at the supervillain's door, checking her reflection in the window. With her dark lipstick and purple eyeshadow exaggerating her best features, she felt like a sexy cartoon character. After a final adjustment of her ink-black hair, she knocked.
Felatious Gru was immediately recognizable. The world's greatest villain, all the television networks called him. He looked a lot shorter in person.
"Katie! It is a pleasure," he said in a nonspecific eastern European accent. "I could not resist when your lovely profile repeatedly came up on my Tinder application."
"And how could I resist a swipe right from the world's greatest villain?" said Katie.
Gru's pale cheeks turned pink. From between them stuck a long, pointed nose. His beady eyes were topped with bushy eyebrows, which were the only hairs on an ovoid head that looked like it had been stomped on. His stick legs angled up to a lumpy torso, like somebody had filled a black sock with cottage cheese then swung it around until it bunched in one end. Not exactly a dad bod on this one.
"You do flatter me," said Gru as he led her inside. They entered a luxurious dining room lined with the mounted heads of extinct animals. An expensive-looking meal waited on the table.
"I thought we could eat before … getting down to business," said Gru.
"Oh mister Gru, a real date? You're so old fashioned."
They made small talk as Katie picked at her meal. Honestly, this supervillain was super disappointing. He droned on about his cold mother and troubled childhood and precious feelings. Yawn.
"I hear you stole the Golden Gate Bridge," she said, interrupting him in hopes of drifting to something fun.
Something brushed her leg underneath the table.
"Yes! I was driving across, and thought, lightbulb! I can use my bubble cannon to encase the bridge in a giant sphere, then float it to my secret lair. Real shame that everyone on it slowly suffocated to death."
Something rubbery caressed Katie's ankle. Did he have a cat? Stifled giggling floated from under the table. She gasped when she looked down and spotted an eye staring from the darkness.
Mistaking her gasp as a reaction to him, Gru continued: "Come now, you know who I am. Women, they date me for my money, but have no interest in accepting the real me. Just like my mother."
It took everything Katie had to keep herself from ducking under the table to see what was crawling around down there, having way more fun than she was.
Instead, she flashed him an animated smile. "I know who you are. You can trust me." She reached across the table and patted his hand. His face relaxed, but turned to annoyance as his phone rang.
He took the phone to the next room, but she could still hear every word.
"I'm a bit busy, can you … what? Pharrell who? Pharrell Williams?"
The table cloth billowed, and a creature hopped onto Katie's lap. He looked like a two-foot-high yellow pill with stubby appendages, wearing blue overalls and, over a single eye, goggles. Er, a goggle.
He was one of Gru's famous minions. She'd seen them on the news. The screaming cornpops who are tearing apart society, the headlines not-so-kindly called them.
"Not the unicorn again," grumbled Gru into the phone in the other room.
The minion produced a flower from the back of his overalls and handed it to Katie. She took it, smiling as the robotic flower's petals spun around, then patted his head. He purred.
Katie held a finger to her lips. "Shhh, your master doesn't want you here."
Gru hung up. Before he could return and catch the minion, she shoved him back under the table.
"So sorry, so sorry," said Gru. "It's Pharrell Williams again. He's riding a unicorn that is so fluffy that those who look at it die immediately. Too much fluff, you see."
"Mmm hmm," said Katie. Her skirt had ridden up, and she felt the minion's breath against her thighs.
Gru's face twisted with jealousy. "Pharrell sings catchy songs to attract crowds. He's wearing his giant hat, so people see the hat, and they say damn, that's a big hat! By the time they notice the unicorn, it's too late. They're dead from fluff. It's the perfect supervillain plot."
"You're not going to let him upstage you," said Katie, trying to keep her composure, but she couldn't help guiding the minion toward her moistening love muffin. She could tell from the smacking of his lips that he wanted to get closer.
"No, of course not! Sorry, but I must go defend my title."
Katie feigned disappointment, which was difficult to pull off with the minion's floppy tongue exploring her pleasure taco. "Too bad," she said. "We were just getting started."
Gru edged toward the door as Katie remained sitting. He grabbed a few gadgets and his striped scarf. "Maybe … maybe you could stay here and wait, so we can continue our date later?"
"Oh!" shouted Katie as the minion hit her sweet spot. In truth. the date was horrible. This dude was a murderer, and also, hadn't asked her a single question about herself. But she wanted—no, needed—to stick around and find out more about these minions. "Oh yes! Sounds like a plan." Gru dashed away.
Finally! She pulled back her chair to get a better look at the minion who was so skillfully eating her out.
"Bapple!" the minion said. Its goggle was smeared with her pulpy love juice.
"You think I taste like apples? How sweet of you."
A grate in the ceiling flipped open, and two more minions tumbled into the room. These ones had two eyes, and one of them was short and squat, while the other was taller, like a yellow cocktail sausage.
The tall one smacked the one-eyed one. "Jort! Malo!" he said.
The pussy-eater, whose name was apparently Jort, fell over. He and the tall one got into a slap-fight, rolling on the floor like a fucked up yellow tumbleweed. When the they were done, the three of them stood there with their dumb, gaping faces.
"Sooo," she said. "What's the deal with you guys?"
"Blab!" said Jort.
"A lab? Can you show me?" asked Katie.
Their faces lit up. They got behind her and pushed her toward one of the room's many doors. The feeling of their six little gloved hands shoving at her butt tickled her in a strange way.
She was ushered into an elevator, which took them to an expansive underground laboratory. Dozens of minions worked at various tables full of sizzling beakers and dismantled electronics. Sparks and explosions lit the air, and it smelled like greasy ozone. Aerial drones whizzed overhead. They continued pushing her on until they reached a featureless yellow surface in one corner of the room.
Katie bit her lip. "Look, guys, this lab is cool and all, but I'll level with you. I was all horned up for a Tinder date, and your boss is lame. You gonna show me your dicks or what?"
The three of them laughed. The tall one punched the short one in the face and said "Norge! Butt!"
Norge held up a panel with a single red button. He giggled maniacally. "Butt!" he shouted, then pressed it.
A panel in the floor opened and a heart-shaped bed popped out of it. The lights dimmed and a disco ball started turning. Alcoves opened in the walls, each full of phallic gadgets.
"Whoa, you guys are way ahead of me! You have your own sex dungeon! Rad."
The minions giggled. Jort pointed at the back of Katie's skirt. "Butt!" he said.
"You want me to go first? You horny little fuckers!" said Katie. She slipped her panties off, then crawled onto the bed. The minions fell silent as they stared at her with their vacant eyes.
She raised her ass in the air, then flipped up the back of her skirt, giving them a peek at her glistening pussy and bare ass.
The minions burst out in laughter again. "Butt!" they all said in unison, which made them laugh harder.
It was infectious. Katie flipped over and caught her breath after a fit of giggles. "Get over here you fucking idiots!" They obediently hopped onto the bed. "I've seen what your mouths can do. Now get to work, minions."
Their tongues flopped out and explored her body. They were spongy and warm, like soggy little paint rollers. Jort slapped his tongue against her neck while Norge jabbed at her sopping pussy. The tall one started at her belly button, then snail-trailed his way up her body, slipping her blouse off as he did so.
She found herself face to face with the tall one. "You!" she said.
He pointed at himself. "Pim!"
"Okay, Pim. I want you to take my bra off and—"
Before she finished speaking, he reached around and snapped off her bra, which he put over his goggles as he laughed stupidly.
"Listen, Pim. I need you to show me your dick." From the moment she first saw a minion, she'd wondered what their dicks looked like. Did they even have any? The sex dungeon seemed to say yes, but she needed to see for herself.
Pim stood on the bed. He wiggled his hips and did a little dance, then slipped his overalls over what passed for shoulders. That answered another question Katie had: minions did not have nipples.
She moaned as, down below, Norge skillfully tinkered with her pleasure gadget. Overcome with lust, she clawed at Pim, knocking him over and pulling his overalls off completely.
At first, she wasn't quite sure what she was looking at. Between Pim's stubby legs, there was certainly … something. A protrusion that bulged as she stared at it. But at its tip was a black nub, and seams ran along its sides.
Pim rolled his eyes, then pointed at his protrusion. "Banana!" he said.
Katie raised her eyebrows. "Huh?"
A lightbulb went off. "Oh! That's why you're always going on about bananas. You want me to unpeel you."
She grabbed the black nub and pulled. The bulge split apart at the tip. She gradually pulled back flaps of skin, unpeeling the minion's dick just like a banana. Ah, yes, there it was! It looked just like the tip of a cut human dick.
The resemblance stopped as she unpeeled further. She kept expecting to peel past the yellow head and find smooth ridge between head and shaft. But she got further and further down, and there was no shaft to be found. Like the minions' bodies, their dicks were all head.
"Wow!" moaned Katie, partially at the weird minion schlong, partially at Norge's skillful clam lapping. She shuddered with a mini orgasm, but it wasn't enough to satisfy her.
"Blojo!" said Pim, leaning back and shoving his hips at her. His penis swelled so big that it was longer than his legs. Katie leaned over and prodded at it with her pierced tongue. Pim's eyes rolled up in his goggles. He shuddered so hard that his lips flapped and he sounded like a spring going boy-yoy-yoing!!! It must have been a while since these minions got any.
His spongy yellow nub felt like velvet in her mouth. Being all head, it was perfectly smooth, and he seemed to squeak with pleasure no matter which angle she suckled at.
Norge diligently worked her pussy, while… wait a minute, where was Jort?
She forced her eyes open and spotted Jort behind Pim. He'd grabbed a gun with a radar dish on the end and aimed it at them.
"Cum gun!" giggled Jort as he pulled the trigger, sending a white laser flying at Pim's butt.
Suddenly, Pim's cock swelled and emptied its load into her throat. It tasted like banana, except the shitty fake candy version of banana, like in those Runts candies she ate as a kid. Still, it wasn't entirely unpleasant swallowing the minion's fruity load.
Pim's eyes narrowed. He whipped himself out of Katie's mouth, then turned and swatted the gun out of Jort's hands. Jort laughed hysterically as Pim gave him a severe beating, sending yellow blood flying.
Ignoring the commotion, Norge stood on the bed and wiped his mouth. He smiled at Katie as he slipped out of his overalls and unpeeled his own banana babymaker. His was even bigger than Pim's. He had to lean back to keep from toppling over.
"You've done well, my minion," said Katie. She spread her legs further. "Now enter my secret lair."
The minion pounced forward. Her sopping pussy sang with pleasure as he did her bidding. "Muahahaha!" she exclaimed.
The spongy, featureless rod inside her felt so friggin' weirdly good that she immediately came again. "Woooooo! Unf! Unf! Unf!" mumbled Norge as he pounded her harder and harder with each stroke.
The other two stopped fighting. Pim emerged with cracked goggles. He grabbed another gadget – a blue cylinder with a handle on the side – before heading back to the bed.
Pim high-fived Norge, who continued pounding Katie. Then he pointed the blue cylinder at himself and squeezed the handle. A beam shot out, and Pim began to shrink.
Now the size of an apple, Pim crawled up Katie's naked torso, caressing her with his dragging stem-sized penis. He shimmied along her collarbone, then along the side of her neck, and nibbled at her earlobe.
Jort approached from the other side. He had what looked like a glowing blue hair dryer in one hand.
Shrunken Pim did a lap around her ear canal with his tongue, getting it nice and wet, then stood and shoved his snack-sized weiner into the side of her head. She almost pulled away, but realized that it felt just like sticking a Q-tip in her ear after a long day – mmm, relief.
Jort pointed the hair dryer at her breast. Instead of heat, frost squeezed at her pinkish girly-mounds. An ex had tried rubbing ice cubes on her skin, but this felt much more intense. Jort jacked himself off as he watched the freeze ray harden her nipples into little icicles. He'd already spooged, but while the ice on her tits melted, she found another way to pleasure the minion: she reached around and spread his butt cheeks to finger his squeaky little asshole.
Katie closed her eyes and let the pleasure wash over her. The high-pitched squeals and giggles of the minions were music to her ears, and feeling their moist little fingers and sticky yellow dicks all over her body was something straight out of every woman's fantasies.
More tiny appendages joined the fun, poking, flicking, and caressing her in all the right places. She felt like a stock car pulling over and having ten men giver her the perfect tune-up.
The minions weren't very good at anything else, but damn, they could fuck.
One of them pulled out and furiously tugged at himself, eyes bulging, tongue lolling. The others followed suit. One by one, they blew their loads onto her. The air filled with the smell of candy, and she was splashed with their liquid pleasure from head to toe. Katie arched her back, squirting, seizing with the power of a thousand tiny orgasms.
"Wow," she said. "That shit was bananas."
The bed looked like a bucket of lemon meringue had been slopped on it. She leaned against a pillow. Minions collapsed around her. Some of them fell asleep and began snoring. Others nuzzled against her. Jort rested against her chest, looking up at her lovingly with his bulging, vacant eye.
A fucky feeling filled Katie's heart as she looked at the minions. In their blank stares, she saw a promise that they would protect and accept her no matter what she did. In their featureless skin, she saw endless possibility. In their nonsense words and expressive yet wit-free faces, she felt like she could say anything to them. She saw nothing. She saw herself. The minions were her, and she was the minions.
The realization hit her hard: Katie was hopelessly in love. With all of them.
* * *
Gru returned after crushing Pharrell Williams and his unicorn with the Golden Gate Bridge. The mansion was strangely quiet
"Pim?" he called out. "Jort? Norge? Colton? Lanz? Mister Poon? Burpo?"
None of his minions came to greet him. Panic set in as he entered the secret laboratory. Only a few of the shittiest minions remained.
"What happened?" he demanded, but the imbeciles just farted and laughed.
He checked his security drone video footage. Just a few minutes ago, Katie had marched out the front door with most of his minions.
"Mother fucker!" he shouted.
He rewound further. She'd fucked them! He never should have let them build that sex dungeon. Maybe this was all his fault. He had been so selfish during the date. There he was on the rapidly rewinding video, blabbing on. He always did this; he found some DTF woman on Tinder, but then got nervous, said the wrong things, and drove her away. Was it any wonder that Katie ran straight into the crappy little arms of the minions?
Something on the screen caught his eye. "Zoom in! Enhance!" he said.
The video zoomed in on Katie standing outside, before knocking on the door. She took off an ID badge and jammed it in her pocket. Zooming further, he could read what it said: Katie Ponopoulos, Matching Specialist, Tinder.
Gru leaned in close, scanning the video. When Katie put down her purse, an item of clothing flopped out, but she quickly stuffed it back in.
"Zoom!" screamed Gru.
It was a hat. A big, stupid hat. There was only one person who could have given her a hat that big: Pharrell Williams.
Gru's jaw dropped as the truth hit him. Katie had never intended to date him. She'd hacked Tinder so he would invite her over, then used a friendship with Pharrell to make sure Gru would leave.
That dirty villain! Fucking the minions was Katie's evil plan the whole time.
Leonard Delaney is the author of several other masterpieces of erotic fiction such as Conquered By Clippy (about having sex with the paperclip helper from Microsoft Word) and Invaded By The iWatch (about having sex with the Apple Watch).