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Politics

14 Mitt Romney Jokes That Are Actually Pretty Funny

Mitt Romney is actually a pretty funny guy. No joke. You just had to be there. (h/t Molly Ball)

1.

At a campaign stop in New Hampshire, Romney pretended that an unsuspecting waitress had grabbed his butt. Later clarified that he was “just teasing.”

2.

Romney was glitter-bombed at a rally in Minnesota in February, but reacted to his heckler like a true comedian: addressing him directly and spinning the incident in his favor (“This is confetti! We just won Florida!”).

3.

In 2007, responding to widespread mockery of his “hunting varmints” moment, Romney told a Texas crowd that that year, his grandchildren “were disappointed that the Easter bunny hadn’t come. He heard I was packing heat.” Romney even used a prop; a mounted, taxidermied squirrel.

4.
Romney reminded a group of seniors in New Hampshire of their impending mortality:

“Anybody here over 100 years old?” Romney asked.

Crickets.

“Not yet, but we’re getting there, right? We’re on our way,” continued Romney.

“We’re hopefully going to get there soon.”

“Well, not so soon. We hope to get there safe and sound.”

5.

In 2005, Romney poked fun at his polygamist Mormon ancestors at a St. Patrick’s Day breakfast in Boston, by describing his belief in the definition of marriage as between “a man and a woman and a woman and a woman.”

6.

“Strange things are happening to me,” Romney said at a campaign stop in Mississippi. These include “learning to say y’all” and eating grits.

7.

At a town hall in Kalamazoo, Michigan:

“I know China is headed to the moon. They’re planning on going to the moon, and some people say, ‘Oh, we’ve got to get to the moon, we’ve got to get there in a hurry to prove we can get there before China.’ It’s like, guys, we were there a long time ago, all right? And when you get there would you bring back some of the stuff we left?”

8.

Romney, after Jon Huntsman spoke Chinese at a debate in New Hampshire: “I guess I lost.”

9.

Getting punny at a diner in Manchester, New Hampshire:

I saw a young man over there with Eggs Benedict. He had the Eggs Benedict with a hollandaise sauce and the eggs, there. And I was going to suggest to you that you serve your eggs with hollandaise sauce and hubcaps. Because there’s no plates like chrome for the hollandaise!

10.

Romney poked fun at the often-made comparison between him and John Kerry at a 2009 speech to the Heritage Foundation.

11.

Another Kerry dig, this time on the bus in Iowa: Romney tells the press they can get filet mignon, Brie cheese and arugula “on the John Kerry bus back there, sorry.”

12.

Romney explains his father George’s choice of gravesite in Michigan:

“We didn’t live in Brighton. It’s like, how did you pick Brighton, Dad? ‘Well — best price I could find in the whole state.’ So if you’re looking for the best deal on a gravesite, check Brighton. They’ve got a good spot — you’re near the former governor and the former first lady!”

13.
After saying that unlike Rick Santorum, “I’m not willing to light my hair on fire to try and get support”:

Romney later told a reporter that he was not going to set his hair ablaze no matter “how hard you ask.”

“It would be a big fire, I assure you,” he added.

14.

Though it was widely viewed as a gaffe, Romney’s “I’m also unemployed” moment in Florida played well with the voters he was talking to. “I’m networking,” he said. “I have my sight on a particular job.”

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