1. First it’s like, WOOH GONNA PLAY CANDY CRUSH!!! MY FAV GAME! It’s loading, omg you can hardly wait.
2. Then you’re in and jeez everyone wants your help. CHECK ALL, OK WHATEVER LET’S GO.
3. Wooh! You have five full lives. It’s level 68. Things are awesome. Life is great.
5. This level is easy. Everything is easy. Just got two stripes, bitches!!!
6. And then you get the holy grail. The sprinkled cookie.
7. And then TWO SPRINKLED COOKIES.
8. It doesn’t even matter what this thing is. It’s your best friend and you are going to marry it.
9. Then things change. You just can’t fucking beat this level. LIKE HI, MOVE THE BLUE ONE OVER, STUPID GAME.
10. And you tried to use a lollipop and it did nothing and it sucked.
11. Then the chocolate starts taking over your screen like a monster blob.
12. And then this happens and you’re like, “WTF I CAN’T EVEN DO ANYTHING.”
13. But then there’s that little sprinkled thing again and you calm down. It’s OK. All is OK.
15. And you consider purchasing some stripes to give you the push you need. But then you see how much it costs and you laugh and throw your phone.
16. So like some beggar, you take to Facebook. And you are relying on people you haven’t seen since high school to give you a life.
18. And then someone helped you. And you’re like, “Thank you, stranger. I owe you my life.”
19. But before you start playing again, you scroll up to the top and realize someone you know is actually at the last level and you hate them.
21. But whatever, this is YOUR game. And you will make it happen for yourself.
23. You will make it.
Contact Lauren Yapalater at email@example.com.
In The News Today
- At least 30 people were killed in twin bomb blasts during a peace rally near the main train station in Turkey's capital. ›
- President Obama visited Oregon to meet with victims' families after last week's deadly campus shooting. Gun-rights activists protested his visit. ›
- The U.S. ended its $500 million program that trains and equips Syrian rebels in their fight against ISIS. ›