1. The Flirt Poke
Who to do it to: Someone you want to poke IRL. Play it off like, “ha ha, isn’t this so retro, we’re so funny.”
2. The SURPRISE! I’M A CREEP! Poke
When to do it: Just when your friends think you’re normal. Everyone is creepy on the internet; you need to get there before them.
3. The intentional creep poke
When to use it: Trying to freak out your friends.
4. The Ironic Poke
When to do it: Anytime after the year 2010.
5. The Vaguely Threatening Poke
Who to do it on: A co-worker or high school friend who will be extremely confused and wonder for days about its deeper meaning.
6. The Annoying Attention Ploy Poke
When to use it: If you know your friend is in the middle of trying to flirt with someone on Facebook and you want to cockblock them by distraction.
7. The Stoned Poke
Why you did it: You were high and thought it was funny.
8. The I’m-Being-An-Asshole Poke
Who to do it on: Your best friends just to drive them nuts with stupid Facebook notifications.
9. The Crazy Ex Poke
Who does it: Your psycho ex. WHO THE FUCK POKES WHAT ARE YOU DOING???
10. The Cheer-Up Poke
Who to do it to: Your friend having a bad day who needs to be reminded they have friends who care about them and will be silly with them.
11. The Sex Poke
Who to do it on: Someone you want to have sex with. Trust me, it will weirdly get results.
12. The Remember This Sweet Ass? Poke
When to do it: Two days after having sex with someone.
The Poke War
When to stop: Never, unless you’re a wimp who is willing to flinch first. The beauty of the Facebook poke is that it’s instantaneous. You don’t need to refresh the page; it’s like instant messaging, so you can engage in a poke war where you’re constantly clicking the “Poke Back” button until one of you throws in the towel.
13. The Never-Saw-It-Coming Poke
Who to do it do: Someone you haven’t talked to in three years. Trust me, they’ll love it. Everyone loves a poke. JK they will think you’re a massive creep.
14. The Nostalgia Poke
Why you do it: Remember when we were all so young and we’d just poke each other on Facebook? Remember those days? We were so innocent. I hope you had the poke of your life.
15. The Jealousy Trap Poke
Who to do it to: Your friend’s boyfriend or girlfriend who you can’t really relate to when you get drinks, but you want to show your friend you’re “making an effort” to be friendly. Just be sure your friend KNOWS about this.
16. THe Drjunk Poek
When to do it: OOOOOPPPPPSSSS
17. The Extreme Creep
Who to do it to: Someone you’re not even Facebook friends with (did you know you can do that? You can do that.)
18. The Aunt Poke
Who does it: Any older relatives you made the mistake of friending.
19. The Existential Crisis Poke
Why you do it: Who knows. Why are we even here on this planet. What even IS this stupid website with its stupid poking. What even is a “friend”?
20. The Time Traveler From 2006 Poke
Why you do it: You’ve just gone through a space-time wormhole from 2006 and the poke is still very cool. You are very confused about why all your friends look older and are holding babies in their profile photos.