Tech

17 Gadgets That Are Treating Us Like Dumb Babies

I like useful tech toys as much as the next human, but sometimes I’m also like, “I know how to take care of mySELF, engineers!” You know? Here are some gadgets you shouldn’t need if you’re a grownup.

1. Smart Shopper Electronic Grocery List

This voice recorder-based shopping list printer (I’m sure it has PERFECT hearing) feels like something Disney would have put in a Zenon movie to seem futuristic, and everyone watching would have been like, “I really doubt we’ll ever use something like that stupid.”

2. Toothpaste Squeezing Devices

Lip-shaped or otherwise, tube squeezers are only acceptable in cases where the users have two hooks for hands. (And even then it wouldn’t work, would it?) In which case I’m really sorry to hear about the accident.

3. Non-Ice Ice Cubes

“Why do you have rocks in your whiskey, you big dummy?” That is what people would say to you if you used these. Plastic ones are hardly better. Melting ice is the earth’s natural punishment for drinking one’s beverage too slowly.

4. Purse Clips That Temporarily Attach Your Purse To The Table

Just PUT IT ON THE FLOOR. Dirt, I know, but this is insufferable.

5. Envelope Openers

Envelope openers are perhaps history’s oldest over-the-top gadget. Why? You have fingers. (Unless you are the hook guy from before in which case, again, condolences.) Your envelope won’t be pretty once it’s opened, but that is okay because it is now garbage.

6. Egg Pillows

Perhaps unsurprisingly, this comes from a website called “eggcessories.” The product description says it’s a “colourful way to hold your egg in place,” but fails to address “but WHY?”

7. EatMeCrunchy Cereal Bowl

This cereal bowl only encourages the kind of food mixology laziness I critiqued with those rock ice cubes. Stop using so much ice and milk, crazies!

8. Motion Sensing Automatic Outdoor Pet Fountain

Even your dog himself/herself finds this patronizing.

9. Banana Slicer

“Slicing bananas isn’t difficult, but if you find this chore tedious or too difficult for you, there is a gadget for that too,” snarks the website I found this ridiculous item on, giving you “are you serious” eyebrows.

10. Grab-It Pack Gadget Holster

I don’t like that I can’t tell from the picture what part of the body this goes on. Just put your stuff in normal containers, okay?

11. iStix Chopstick Assistant

Actual chopsticks are not hard to use. If you are bringing your own training wheel chopsticks to a restaurant, you have to sit by yourself. On the changing table in the family bathroom.

12. ThumbSaver TS001

What is it with these people and our fingers? I think we’re coddling our fingers. Nobody thinks we can do anything with them!

13. USB Fragrance Oil Burner

Sometimes I feel like the USB drive could just be a USB drive.

14. LokSak®

This bag claims to make it possible for you to “take your phone to the beach or pool - and even take it in the water with you!” But what if you just got an even larger bag and put YOURSELF in the bag? Everything you need, just throw it all in.

15. Zapperclick Mosquito Bite Relief

Allegedly this device “zaps” your mosquito bites to halt itching, “thanks to small impulses created by a piezo crystal.” Do we really need to get piezo crystals involved in our bug bites now? Also, what are they?

16. VIOlight Travel Toothbrush Sanitizer & Storage System

A toothbrush is a stick you swirl around in your face cavity, in spit and paste, for 2-4 minutes a day to remove food particles and (some) bacteria. Just let it be gross.

17. And Another Banana Slicer

The banana is in the top five Easiest Fruits we have. Let us put those withering fingers back to good use. They could use the practice, it seems.

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