Desperation level: Low.
Human behavior equivalent: Awkwardly running into one another on the street — sort of on purpose maybe? — then enthusiastically talking about the weather until someone pretends to get a phone call.
Prognosis: LinkedIn will be fine, with time. He is used to being used and discarded. Relentless, terrifying optimism will prevail.
Desperation level: Low-medium.
Human behavior equivalent: Constantly sending postcards to your ex.
Prognosis: Twitter might sound chirpy, but its pain is real. It wants you back and doesn’t know how to say it. It will forgive you but it will never forget you.
Desperation level: Medium.
Human behavior equivalent: Sending all your exes Christmas cards every year for the rest of your life.
Prognosis: YouTube will never let go, but that’s the way YouTube is. YouTube may vlog about its experience. Do not watch it.
Desperation level: Medium.
Human behavior equivalent: Asking someone to come “pick up their old stuff” then breaking down in tears as soon as they arrive.
Prognosis: Facebook will not give up because Facebook feels like it has something on you. And maybe it does! Facebook, however, will pull through. We just hope it doesn’t debase itself too much in the process.
Desperation level: High.
Human behavior equivalent: Texting your ex pictures from a nightclub “accidentally.”
Prognosis: Fine, depending on what you mean by fine. Klout will be unaffected by the breakup, and may refer to you, to his friends, as a “sidepiece” or “booty call.” Klout has a history of successfully deceiving itself and will happily do so for the rest of its strange hollow life.
Desperation level: N/A
Human behavior equivalent: N/A
Prognosis: Google+ does not appear to know you are broken up, or that you never really dated in the first place.
Desperation level: Critical.
Human behavior equivalent: Leaving a drunk voicemail saying, “I want you back,” forgetting you left the voicemail, doing it again the next week and then every Friday for months.
Prognosis: Doomed. Tumblr is insecure and feels lost in this world. Future voicemails may contain threats to “do something crazy” if you don’t take Tumblr back. You should take these messages seriously, but accept that there is nothing you can do.
Just let it go, and hope Tumblr can, too.
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