So you’ve decided to filibuster. Congratulations! You’re about to take part in a proud American tradition.
Careful, filibustering can be a long and tiring process…
Fortunately, there are some tried and true tactics for making sure your filibuster can go all night.
1. Always bring along some light reading. You’ll never know when you might have to fill some downtime.
Dr. Seuss is currently the Senate favorite, but don’t ever feel limited. This is your time to shine!
Beautiful reading, Sen. Cruz!
2. Done right, your filibuster will last for hours, so make sure to bring along some educational charts.
If posters aren’t your strong suit, never be afraid to ask your colleagues for help. They are experts at the visual arts.
3. Always be sure to get nice and loose before you start! The current record stands at 24 hours and 18 minutes — aim for the gold!
Aim for posterity to be proud of your filibuster. Especially if it is the longest.
4. And take it easy on the stimulants. You don’t want to be a nervous wreck out there.
5. Remember, dress for success! You don’t want to be in any sort of discomfort.
Work it, Senator Davis!
6. Speaking of discomfort, you may want to invest in some adult diapers, ‘cause once this filibuster ball gets rolling there’s no backing out.
7. And remember, if you get hungry, you will just have to deal with it. Hamsters are your spirit animal.
Unless Jackie Speier is actually your spirit animal. Then you come prepared.
Rep. Speier, seen here at the ready.
8. And if you’re worried about embarrassing yourself out there on the Senate floor…
Just be as confident as Johnnie Cochran.
9. As a last ditch resort, you can always list your favorite elements of American culture until you’re back in the groove.
10. Finally, if public speaking isn’t your thing, email in your filibuster. You just need a posse for support.
…This sort of posse.
With the support of 40 other senators, you can stall any legislation you want with an email! But where’s the fun in that?