9 Insidious Ways Technology Replaced Our Parents

Growing up is for other generations.

1. Childhood: Parents bitch at you to turn that damn music down before you blow your eardrums.

“Adulthood”: Smart phone passive aggressively reminds you to turn that damn music down before you blow your eardrums.

2. Childhood: Parents run the vacuum, all you have to do is get your toys off the floor.

Post-Childhood: The Roomba runs automatically (just make sure you pick up your ducks).

In fact the lastest Roomba models are so smart the even dock and recharge on their own.

3. Childhood: Parents trudged into the cold to defrost the car while you waited inside.

Grown-Up?: Your car defrosts itself while you mainline enough coffee to survive the commute.

4. Childhood: Parents capture memories and catalogue them for the future.

Adulting: Social media captures memories and logs them away for later perusal.

Never worry about losing two years of photos again due to an unforeseen watery grave for your phone with these If This, Then That recipes.

5. Childhood: Parents keep tabs on the weather, tell you when to take an umbrella.

Full-Grown Human: The weather keeps tabs on itself, let’s you know when to take an umbrella.

The app Umbrella Reminder does just that, but it also can be set to warn you of imminent snow or excessive sun.

6. Childhood: Parents make you eat healthy or starve*.

  • “You’ll eat when you’re hungry.”

Technically Done Growing: Your wristband reminds you to eat more fiber, less fat.

Still in production, AIRO is the latest addition to the fitness tracker craze. On top of monitoring things like heart rate and steps taken, it allegedly will also track your caloric intake.

7. Childhood: Laundry is magical. Clothes go into the hamper dirty and come back warm and clean.

Arrested Development: Laundry is magical. It goes into the hallway dirty and comes back clean and folded.

A new app by a company called FlyCleaners will pick up and drop off your laundry on demand, seven days a week. It’s like Seamless but for clothes.

8. Childhood: Parents cared for pets while you reaped the benefits of animal love.

Pet Parent: Automatic dispensers care for pets while you reap the benefits of animal love.

 

Automatic timed food dispensers and an all-seeing eye that cleans up cat litter take some of the manual labor out of pet ownership.

9. Childhood: Parents nag you to get off the computer and do something with your life.

Legally An Adult: The computer nags you to get off the computer and do something with your life.

An extension that is — sadly — only on Firefox, You Should Probably isn’t angry you’re wasting your time, just disappointed.

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