Why Rep. Howard Coble Is 7 Million Times More Badass Than Your Congressman

If only we could elect him president for life.

Meet Rep. Howard Coble. Oh, you have never heard of him? Get your learning hat on.

Via AP

He has been in Congress for 28 years.

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He is 82 and 7 million times more badass than your member of Congress. Here is why.


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1. He was a captain in the military and served in the Korean War.


Meaning he was an inspiration for movies like this. He served a full 18 years in the military.

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2. He’s been wearing suits made out of picnic blankets in Congress longer than you’ve been alive.

AP Photo/J. Scott Applewhite


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3. He holds moonshine like a man who knows war and love.

He probably used it to brush his teeth directly after this photo was taken.

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4. And these boys should have earned Eagle Scout rank just for meeting him.

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5. Coble knows the only way to pose with a classic car is with a red Solo cup.

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6. He has a DIRECTOR’S CHAIR in his office with his NAME ON IT.

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And he has NO MORE ROOM on his office walls because they are filled with awards and paintings of old wooden ships.

Via AP
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7. He won a badass hat contest against Richard Petty.

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8. He went on an ice cream factory tour.

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9. He threw out the first pitch at this baseball game.


The ball broke the catcher’s hand.

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10. He taught these kids about #SWAG.

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11. Vince Lombardi probably gave Coble this hat, jacket, and a Super Bowl trophy.

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12. Coble owns a house he built in the North Carolina wilderness.

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13. He is photographed with an open container in front of cops.

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14. Every sprinkle on this birthday cake represents a woman’s heart Coble broke.

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15. His pinewood derby car broke a land speed record.

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16. These cheerleaders traveled 341 miles just to be in the presence of Coble’s cream hat.

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17. Whenever his constituents meet him, they look like this:

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And this:

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He poses for photos in front of magnificent portraits of himself.

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18. He’s still got #GAME.

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19. No, but seriously, he will only do an interview in his bangin’ blue jacket.

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And if you ask him a stupid question, you will get this look:

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20. He taught this boy everything he knows.

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21. And after shaking Coble’s hand, this guy’s life immediately improved.

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And this child is the luckiest baby in the world.

Thank you, Howard.

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