1. Smoke crack.
Toronto Mayor Rob Ford.
2. Order Swiss cheese on a Philly cheesesteak.
#SORRY John Kerry.
3. Disappear for a week while governor of a state.
Mark Sanford was governor of South Carolina when he simply disappeared for a week. It turns out that he was having an affair with an Argentinian woman, whom he is now engaged to after his wife divorced him.
4. Remember two out of three things.
Texas Gov. Rick Perry: “I will tell you, it is three agencies of government when I get there that are gone. Commerce, education, and the — what’s the third one there? Let’s see.” This went on for another minute, and Perry was still unable to name the third.
6. Solicit sex in airport bathrooms.
According to the police report, Sen. Larry Craig did this in an airport bathroom in 2007: “At 1216 hours, Craig tapped his right foot. I recognized this as a signal used by persons wishing to engage in lewd conduct. Craig tapped his toes several times and moves his foot closer to my foot … The presence of others did not seem to deter Craig as he moved his right foot so that it touched the side of my left foot which was within my stall area. Craig then proceeded to swipe his left hand under the stall divider several times, with the palm of his hand facing upward.”
7. Go skinny-dipping in front of your congressional colleagues.
Rep. Kevin Yoder did in Israel. And then someone told on him.
8. Have an affair with your top administrative aide’s wife, who also works for you and is your neighbor.
Especially when your kids go to school together, Sen. John Ensign.
9. Let the male prostitute you used to date run an escort service out of your basement.
You’re silly, Rep. Barney Frank.
10. Embezzle nearly $1 million in campaign donations to buy Michael Jackson memorabilia and mink coats.
Former Rep. Jesse Jackson Jr.
11. Make unwanted sexual advances on your campaign donor’s teenage daughter. (The tiger suit does not help.)
Former Rep. David Wu.
12. Talk shit about the Red Sox while running for senator in Massachusetts.
When criticized for her many trips to Washington, D.C., for fundraisers, Martha Coakley responded, “As opposed to standing outside Fenway Park? In the cold? Shaking hands?” She also called legendary Boston pitcher Curt Schilling a “Yankees fan.”
13. Join a pagan religion where you are publicly whipped.
According to the New York Post, New York City councilman Dan Halloran is a member of a pre-Christian Germanic religion, “whose believers drink mead or whiskey from horns and dress like characters in a Renaissance fair.” For punishment he was once “stripped to his waist, strapped to a tree and flogged with a belt 11 times.”
14. Classify rape as “legitimate.”
Duh, Rep. Tod Akin.
15. Dare reporters to find out about your affair, while you are indeed having an affair.
In 1987, Sen. Gary Hart dared reporters to validate rumors that he was having an affair. “Follow me around. I don’t care. I’m serious. If anybody wants to put a tail on me, go ahead. They’ll be very bored,” said Hart. Days later, a tail from the Miami Herald exposed that Hart was having an affair with one Donna Rice.
16. Aggressively oppose various gay-rights issues and then solicit sex from a male prostitute.
Rep. Ed Schrock did.
17. Get a woman pregnant, and then pressure her to have an abortion, while being her doctor.
Doctor and Rep. Scott DesJarlais did.
18. Smash your car into a Capitol Hill police barricade while under the influence and then tell police you have to go vote.
Unless you are Rep. Patrick Kennedy.
19. Get pulled over for drunk driving, especially if you are a Mormon bishop.
Sen. Mike Crapo, ladies and gentlemen.
20. Solicit sex on Craigslist with shirtless selfies, especially if you are married.
Sorry, former Rep. Chris Lee.
21. Hide bribe money in your freezer.
Rep. William J. Jefferson did after the FBI videotaped him taking $100,000 in bribes in 2005. According to the FBI repost of Jefferson’s home, they “found $90,000 of the cash in the freezer, in $10,000 increments wrapped in aluminum foil and stuffed inside frozen-food containers.”
And never forget: Snapchat is your friend!
Come on, Weiner.