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The Not-So-Nice "Nice Guys" Of Online Dating

Self-described “Nice Guys” are mad you won’t sleep with them. Because if they’re nice to you in an online dating message, the least you can do is put out.

Nice Guys are an internet standard. To hear them tell it, they are very mistreated! They show up on blogs to complain about how women don’t appreciate Nice Guys like themselves, because even though the Nice Guy is so very nice, women are too self-involved to see the Real Him. The Nice Guy believes he is held back by his intense Niceness.

The truth is, Nice Guys aren’t actually nice guys. They’re entitled jerks who think that if they’re nice to you, you’re obligated to spread. And if you don’t, you’re fodder for the Nice Guy’s extensive complaint box. (Actual guys who are also nice exist, and in large numbers – a good indicator that you’ve spotted one is that he never whines about how women aren’t lining up to bang him because he held a door open. And women date those actual nice guys!)

Nice Guys, of course, exist in real-world dating. But it’s pretty rare that in person – or at least on a date – you’re treated to a speech about how women don’t appreciate how Nice a guy is. The internet, though, is Nice Guy paradise. And when they aren’t in blog comment sections, they’re trying to find love on online dating sites, and are mad because they are so nice and you should appreciate their personalities instead of being so shallow – even though, you know, you’re all on the internet and the only reason they’re messaging you is because they think you’re foxy. Like this clearly very Nice man, who sent the following to a lady on one dating site:

Since you are DIVORCED, don’t have kids and don’t WANT kids you are obviously just looking for SEX. Take your profile OFF of this site and STOP wasting the time of NICE GUYS like me who are actually looking for a relationship. Try Adult Friend Finder.

Divorced and childless?! Clearly a Grade-A hussy, just trolling online dating sites for peen, and wasting the time of Nice Guys like him who see her profile and are then forced – FORCED! – to message her to explain what a horrible person she is.

But the messages from Nice Guys are nowhere near as incredible as what they put on their profiles. Like this guy on OK Cupid who, it should be reiterated, is writing this on a dating site ostensibly in an effort to meet women:

My self-summary Had a lot written on this profile. Total waste. I give up on you chicks, I should have had a CAT scan performed on my head instead. There aren’t any nice guys left to you girls because you don’t respond to any of their messages. Enjoy the shirtless assholes.

And then there’s this guy on another dating site, who can’t stop giving us updates about nice he is in the cruel world of online dating:

UPDATE: Ok as i stated i have been on this site for a while not because i am a reject or looking to score with as many as i can I am on here to find that special one. i dont want a one night hook up (yes i am a man and have my need in that area but i am just that a man i can control my urges plus i desire intimacy over sex and no i am not soft )i am also a very nice guy who believe in being polite so if you receive a note from me thanking you for viewing my profile its just that a thank you note not a pick up alot of women on here need to check their attitudes all guy are not the same and if you keep running across creeps then look at yourself first it just might start there and finally yes i am a musician but i am not your typical one i know we have a bad rep but not all of us are womanizers so with all that being said if what i said offended you well………….you are on the wrong page and you are still interested then read on …. I always hate having to put myself in a box but just for you guys Ill try it i am a laid back quiet kind of guy that enjoy the simple pleasures in life i have two beautiful kids that are my world and i love spending as much time with them as i can. i am looking that one that can come in to my life and totally flip it upside down (in a good way )i am looking for a serious relationship that could turn into something more permanent so if you are interested or want to know more then hit me up

Update: I have been on this site for some time now. I have met quite a few people some good, some bad, some with baggage, some just whacked out of their minds. I thought there a couple of times that i had found the one but after i relaxed i found out that they were just covering up the real person inside or wanted more then i could give at that time. i am a very good man in search of a good woman that is not going to make me pay for what the last guy did to them. one that will give me the chance to prove that i am not like any guy from their past. if given this chance i will surprise you (trust). i am looking for someone who knows the difference between a woman and a adult female, one whose is not afraid of love when it comes, one that wont demand things on her time table and understand that things worth having are worth waiting for. one who wont look at you as weak if you show a little emotion. so if you think you can be this one than hit me up if not then pass me by. with that being said i look forward to meeting you. i know this is kind of hard to read and i hope i made sense but if you have any questions feel free to ask them

update: the cd is finished and off to the label now i can devote more time into finding my rib that was a grouling 2 years but now its over until the next one and that wont be until 2 years from now

UPDATE: If you say that you’re a “nice guy” and then in the same breath tell women to “check their attitudes,” you may not be that nice!

Some Nice Guys, bless them, just seem a little… sad. Like this poor chap on OK Cupid, who is really into book metaphors and ALLCAPS:

OK I AM GONNA BE VERY BOLD AND BLUNT! LADIES I READ ALOT OF PROFILES…ALOT OF YOU SAY YOU WANT A NICE GUY…WELL I AM DEF A NICE GUY BUT APPARENTLY NOW A DAYS ITS JUDGING A BOOK BY ITS COVER…SO IM NOT 6 FOOT…275 SOLID MUSCLE…TATS AND PIERCINGS….IM NOT A BAD ASS! LISTEN IM AVERAGE! NOT EVERY1 IS PERFECT! YOU LIVE ONLY ONCE! ALL I AM SAYING IS TAKE A CHANCE…AND STOP PUTTING NICE GUYS LIKE ME IN THE FRIENDZONE! ALL I AM LOOKING FOR IS A CHANCE…AN OPPORTUNITY TO GET TO KNOW SOME1…TO THINK GOING OUT IN PUBLIC…THATS HARD ENOUGH TO FIND SOME1…BUT ONLINE…IM HAVING TROUBLE ONLINE CAUSE I DONT FIT YOUR DESCRIPTION…SERIOUSLY…YOU NEVER KNOW UNLESS YOU TRY…READ INTO THE BOOK…YOU MIGHT LIKE THE READ!

AND ANOTHER THING…DONT JUDGE A BOOK BY ITS COVER…SERIOUSLY READ INTO THE BOOK…MIGHT BE A GOOD READ…YA I KNOW IM 5’5 I DONT DRINK OR SMOKE OR DO DRUGS…I DONT HAVE TATS OR PIERCINGS…THIS DOES NOT MAKE ME BORING YOU NEVER KNOW UNLESS YOU TRY…LOOKS ARE NOT EVERYTHING!!! THIS IS HONESTY! SO IT WOULD BE REAL NICE FOR SOME1 TO PROVE ME WRONG!!!!

I actually feel slightly bad for this Nice Guy, but the only people who should be allowed to say “don’t judge a book by its cover!” are moms and kindergarten teachers. It’s a great lesson, but in reality, I don’t even pick up a book in the bookstore if it’s got a crappy cover. And this is online dating! You’re supposed to be selling yourself! And “I know I’m not that great but I’m kinda ok and looks aren’t everything!” is not a compelling sales pitch. He should team up and split the difference with this final Nice Guy, who is pretty confident that he is the best thing that will ever happen to you:

Now about me in a paragraph. Is that possible..? I am a nice guy. As a matter of fact, I think I am too nice. I think that’s part of my problem. Women say they want a nice guy but they seem to pick the douchbags. Then again, I’ve been told I’m an ***hole. So I’m probably the nicest ***hole you’ll ever meet.

I’d like a woman who is comfortable in jeans and a t-shirt but has dresses in her closet for those times. She can wear either pj’s or nothing around the house. She must have good personal hygiene, from top to bottom. Hopfully she likes to cook and likes the same types of movies. I dont want her to be exactly like me, becasue I want to try some new things. I’d like her to be athleticly shaped and into staying fit, maybe this means I’m shallow, but at least I’m honest about it. She has to like to cuddle. She has to understand that men do the things they do and say the things they say becasue they are men and not becasue they are douchbags, meaning I believe in a monogamous relationship and I practice it, but I am a man. This goes both ways, I understand woman are woman and they have needs and desires as well. She has to be financially stable on her own and hopefully be able to drive. She has to eat meat beacasue I dont want to eat my steaks alone or have them made out of tofu. She MUST has a good sence of humor and like to laugh alot.

So, he needs a woman who is in good shape, is financially stable, laughs at all of his jokes, cooks him steak, can dress up or dress down, understands that he will do whatever he wants because he is a man, and he, in turn, will… not exercise, sleep with other women, blame her if she doesn’t find his jokes funny, let her pet his tortoise and perhaps allow her to sleep on his sweet futon. But he’s so Nice! Clearly if he doesn’t sound appealing, it’s because you want a douchebag.

If you’ve got your own online dating horror stories (especially with Nice Guys), drop them below, or submit them anonymously.

The A(n)nals of Online Dating is a weekly column about How We Date Now, from the proprietor of the website of the same name, showing the best of the worst internet dating has to offer.

Photo Illustration by Dan Blackman

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