We all have types – I personally prefer tall, extraordinarily handsome gentlemen who are brilliant, hilarious, kind, ambitious and have nice teeth. We all have our things. But there’s a line between having a fondness for certain attributes and being the kind of person whose type is simply “Asian girls” or “black guys.”
That doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with finding a particular Asian woman or a particular black man attractive. Three cheers for interracial relationships! I’m talking about “I only date ethnic women” as if white people simply lack ethnicity or “I love Asian chicks” or “black men are awesome in bed because WELL YOU KNOW WHY” or “I love fiery Latin women” or “black women are the best because butts.” I’m talking about the people who take actual personality out of the attraction, or assume that because someone has a particular racial background they also have other traits – whether that’s being a tiny submissive lotus-flower or packing a big dong.
And these folks use Match.com like it’s a sushi bar where they can’t wait to select all the best cuts of fish. Since what they care about is the race thing, they’ll do you the favor of putting that right out front. Instead of mentioning your favorite book or your hobbies or your job – information which is readily available on your profile – they’ll go right for the thing that attracts them: Your ethnic background. And when in doubt, they’ll call you “exotic,” as one a guy called a woman on Match.com:
soo.. im sitting here staring at your pics (not in a creepy way haha) trying to determine if you are really ONLY white lol … like, i know it says white, but im just not buying it :D if its true you are by FAR the most exotic looking “white” ive ever seen.. and uh, i think its safe to say that ive seen quite a lot at this point in life __
If you have to clarify that you’re doing something “not in a creepy way,” maybe don’t do that thing? Or don’t admit to doing that thing? Although much respect for using “white” as a noun in telling her that she is the most exotic “white” you have ever seen. That kind of slightly dehumanizing rhetorical trick is usually reserved for talking about non-white people, so I appreciate what you did there. Equality! Cat-face! You should make friends with this next guy, who used this line on OKCupid:
I am interested in meeting an Asian. You are pretty, and would like to meet you. Can we get to know each other?
Ah yes, using OK Cupid to achieve your life goal of meeting an Asian [sic]. It is hard, with all the Asians getting salty when you hang out with them and just want to talk about Asian stuff, like how cool Asia is and how hot Asians are and how pretty you are, young lady, being that you are an Asian. He’s just trying to get to know you! Especially all the Asian parts of you. Up for a kung fu movie and some sushi? Or maybe just some sexy kung fu, like this guy on Match.com?
please beat me up and take my money…just looking to serve and worship a beautiful superior Asian Princess.
But don’t despair, Asian ladies – you aren’t the only attractions on the racial fetish safari. For some internet daters, black women also exist for the viewing (and sexing) pleasure of white people – and, occasionally, to insult without provocation. Either way, white people would like you to know that they have Very Important Thoughts about you, whether those thoughts are bang-related or not. Like in this OkCupid chat between a white guy and a black woman:
Him: i’m worried you think you’re a lot more interesting than you think you are
Her: lol ok
Her: thanks for the warning
Him: as a 6.5/10 female… with the world as her oyster when considered a “minoriity” in academia (and beyond)… you maybe set the bar a little too high…
Him: imagine if you were “white”?
Her: excuse me?
Him: i wasn’t clear?
Her: no you were not. hence my confusion
Him: i meant to say you’re getting a ph.d. because you’re a minsotry
Her: ah ok
Her: I understand now.
Him: as opposed to myself, who had to work 10x as hard
Her: I imagine that you did
Him: but you set standards for what you expect?
Him: you should be happy with what you were given, am i right?
Her: where are you attending currently?
Him: we aren’t swinging dicks….
Her: No. You’re an idiot, but I was taught to never argue with a fool. Ppl might not know the difference
Him: only a minority or a legend would ask such a question
Him: i am a fool that, as “average,” had to work far harder than u in order for us all to make amends for your past
Him: please don’t sell yourself as a well-educated, progression woman. it’s disgusting.
Her: don’t sell yourself as a phd candidate who doesn’t know how to properly use words and form a coherent sentence
Her: but have a nice night
Her: and best of luck in your struggles as a white man in america
Her: don’t let the minorities grind you down.
Him: i’m in grad school….
Him: i’m getting my ph.d. in the most competitive field…
In this man’s defense, as a clear and total moron he probably has had to work ten times as hard as a “minsotry” who understands the basic rules of spelling and grammar. And getting a PhD in KKK Studies must be challenging.
But not all racists want to insult you. Some would like to also take you to the bone-zone:
U r cute even though ur black do u have flat feet?
A notable thing about racists: They appear to not understand how the human body works. For example: Black people do not have different, flatter feet than white people. And white people do not have different, whiter tongues than black people, as this married 28-year-old white lady apparently thinks:
ever thought about being with an older couple - male -female at the same time -2 white tongues****** **** **** ** **** -it would be awsome for all 3 of us - one night you can totally let go and enjoy everything - no rules -just regulations -just let go and enjoy - might not brag about the age but you would the experience -let’s talk
That message was sent to a 21-year-old black woman. Putting aside my concern that the “no rules” regulation appears to apply to grammar and punctuation in addition to sex, I’m pretty sure that peoples’ tongues are more or less the same color, regardless of race.
If you’ve got your own online dating horror stories, drop them below, or submit them anonymously.
The A(n)nals of Online Dating is a weekly column about How We Date Now, from the proprietor of the website of the same name, showing the best of the worst internet dating has to offer.
Photo Illustration by Dan Blackman