Apple announced today that it will soon roll out two new versions of the iPhone: the iPhone 6 and iPhone 6 Plus.
That's all incredibly impressive and useful, but there are still a lot of things the phone can't do. Stuff we REALLY need, like...
1. A thing that lets you know in advance if a call or text is good news or bad news.
2. An option in iMessage that would allow you to keep a list of words that can never ever be sent over text, so you can keep it from accidentally autocorrecting to embarrassing words.
Like "dong" or "penis," for example.
3. Also, the option to set your phone to send "yeah" and "lol" automatically when boring people text you.
4. A visual version of Siri that can identify anything you take a picture of, and can basically be a Shazam for people's faces.
5. A function in Apple Maps that gives you real-time street harassment traffic updates so you can pick the least irritating route to your destination.
6. A thing that automatically checks Twitter before you tweet to let you know if other people have already made the same joke.
7. A built-in breathalizer, and the option to block you from doing certain things if you're too drunk.
8. An app that automatically generates the perfect clever comeback to anything.
9. An iPhone that won't work at all if someone other than yourself tries to use it; it will only respond to your voice and hands.
10. The ability to delete Stocks and other preloaded apps.
11. The ability to talk to your cat. Like, REALLY talk to your cat.
12. An app that works like an actual honest-to-goodness functioning mirror.
13. A front-facing camera with instant photoshopping and contouring capabilities.
14. A "candle" app with a friendlier version of the flashlight that will emit a cozy golden multidirectional glow instead of a horrible blinding white beam.
15. The ability to emit an energy beam that will stun people, like a phaser on Star Trek.
16. Or hell, an energy sword like a lightsaber in Star Wars.
17. And, while we're thinking big, how about a teleportation app?
18. A battery that doesn't totally die by lunchtime.
19. An iPhone that's made of indestructible glass.
20. Or one that's totally waterproof.
21. And, of course, an iPhone that can reciprocate your love.
Director of Quizzes and Games
Contact Matthew Perpetua at firstname.lastname@example.org.
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