I love one thing and one thing only on planet Earth, and that's getting a deal. I freaking LOVE DEALS. I love a dollar store. I love a coupon code. I love a free shipping offer. I love T.J. Maxx.
You'd think I would be thrilled by Amazon's "Prime Day" — a newly minted midsummer sale extravaganza with deals that supposedly rival Black Friday's.
But I'm thrifty — not a piece of human shit. This is garbage bullshit and you can't fool me.
The trick to being "good" at shopping is to balance your insatiable ingrained consumerism with the competing lust for bargains. If you balance this incorrectly, you end up like the extreme couponers who buy 100 bottles of shampoo they don't even like just because it's on sale. You cannot allow yourself to be swayed into buying bad crap you don't like or need just because it's a good deal.
Amazon Prime Day is trying to trick you into buying bric-a-brac you don't want just because they're calling it a "day." All the stuff is terrible.
Rise above. Stay true to yourself and do not buy.
Here's why Amazon Prime Day is bullshit (if that's not already obvious):
1. The sale items are crap you'd never buy anyway.
2. Everyone immediately realized the deals stink.
3. The deals don't always work, due to what appear to be bugs on the site.
4. The really good deals vanished in seconds.
5. One of the best deals was a significantly discounted TV. But yet no one can seem to buy it, and people are PISSED.
6. You only get the deals if you join Amazon Prime.
7. In conclusion:
Let's all pretend this abomination never happened and maybe this won't happen again next year.
Katie Notopoulos is a senior editor for BuzzFeed News and is based in New York. Notopoulos writes about tech and internet culture is cohost of the Internet Explorer podcast.
Contact Katie Notopoulos at email@example.com.
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