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Amazon Prime Day Is An Abomination

Happy holidays!

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I love one thing and one thing only on planet Earth, and that's getting a deal. I freaking LOVE DEALS. I love a dollar store. I love a coupon code. I love a free shipping offer. I love T.J. Maxx.

You'd think I would be thrilled by Amazon's "Prime Day" — a newly minted midsummer sale extravaganza with deals that supposedly rival Black Friday's.

But I'm thrifty — not a piece of human shit. This is garbage bullshit and you can't fool me.

The trick to being "good" at shopping is to balance your insatiable ingrained consumerism with the competing lust for bargains. If you balance this incorrectly, you end up like the extreme couponers who buy 100 bottles of shampoo they don't even like just because it's on sale. You cannot allow yourself to be swayed into buying bad crap you don't like or need just because it's a good deal.

Amazon Prime Day is trying to trick you into buying bric-a-brac you don't want just because they're calling it a "day." All the stuff is terrible.

Rise above. Stay true to yourself and do not buy.

Here's why Amazon Prime Day is bullshit (if that's not already obvious):

1. The sale items are crap you'd never buy anyway.

42% off is a great deal, but not if it's 42% off...BEARD-GROWING CREAM. You do not need or want beard-growing cream. I understand that patchy beards are an unsightly problem for many men, but let's be real: If this smegma actually worked, you'd have heard about it already and it wouldn't look like some dollar-store leftover inventory.

2. Everyone immediately realized the deals stink.

3. The deals don't always work, due to what appear to be bugs on the site.

I saw this deal for one of those face wash machine thingies, and thought, "You know, HEY, I've heard from my colleague Doree that these things are pretty decent." So I figured, why not.

Here's what happened. I added it to my cart at the Prime Day sale price ($17), and then went back to browsing. All the deals are limited in quantity, so it's possible a deal could be sold out — although during a decent shopping experience this shouldn't happen once you have already put the item in your cart. When I checked back, the price in my cart had jumped back to the $29.99 full price.

When I went back to the item page, I could still SEE the deal price, but this time, when I tried to "check" for the availability of the deal, it just spun with a waiting sign saying "Checking Deal Status" indefinitely.

I ~think~ what happened here is that the deal sold out or timed out while the item was in my cart. Which is annoying, but I suppose understandable (ideally, adding an item to your cart means you've reserved it). However, the other issue is that Amazon has no way of properly alerting or warning customers when that's what happens. The fact that you can get stuck in an endless spinning loop of "check deal status" means there's something very wrong happening on the site.

This is like the WORST possible customer experience: offering people a sale price that they can't get. People freak the eff out when that happens.

4. The really good deals vanished in seconds.

Amazon Prime deal went live that I had been waiting 20 or so minutes for. Not 10 seconds after it went live it was sold out

5. One of the best deals was a significantly discounted TV. But yet no one can seem to buy it, and people are PISSED.

Ummm….cause I stayed up so where is it? RT @amazon: Prime Day Deals: 40-inch 1080p LED TV for $115 #HappyPrimeDay

6. You only get the deals if you join Amazon Prime.

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If you're saving at least $80 on your beard cream, then I guess it's worth it. But remember, Amazon Prime is you paying a yearly fee for the pleasure and privilege of getting deals and two-day shipping, so make sure you're getting your $80 worth. That's probably a lot of beard cream, even at full price.

Let's all pretend this abomination never happened and maybe this won't happen again next year.

Katie Notopoulos is a senior editor for BuzzFeed News and is based in New York. Notopoulos writes about tech and internet culture is cohost of the Internet Explorer podcast.

Contact Katie Notopoulos at katie@buzzfeed.com.

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