1. Apple is the most valuable company in the world
2. Which made a lot of rich people much richer
4. But T-Mobile is nearly bankrupt
5. The Blackberry is dead
6. And Nokia is in huge trouble. When’s the last time you saw one of these?
7. These events are the biggest news of the day
9. Because he basically made a huge iPod touch and it still turned out great
11. Touchscreens are everywhere
12. And everybody understands what this stuff means
14. And every company has an app
15. Other phones got app stores too
16. Just the word “app.” How often did people say that before 2008?
17. We’ve stopped carrying separate media players
18. And nobody needs these things
20. The company that makes these came into existence AND got shut down
21. Nobody likes Flash anymore (and it’s dying)
22. We’ve seen a bunch of famous peoples’ junk
23. We don’t look where we’re walking
24. And text messages are organized like emails, instead of in one big list
25. But we write them in inscrutable symbols, so it doesn’t really matter
27. Which means these are the only humans that can still spell
28. We treat our phones like babies, because they’re ridiculously delicate and require constant attention + feeding
30. But we never make phone calls, because why would we do that?
31. We’re starting to pay attention to where our gadgets come from
32. And even though we don’t have one of these anymore…
33. We never get lost
35. And we don’t argue for hours about dumb trivia anymore
36. But we can never escape Twitter and Facebook and it’s great but its also it’s ruining all of our lives (HELP)
40. But seriously, everyone is a gamer now, and simple casual games have gotten awesome
42. People pay for software again (just, not very much)
44. Every fight gets posted on the internet
45. All news is instant, no matter where we are
46. And we always know what song is playing in the bar
49. We do this a lot more
50. All our photos look old, and we instantly send them to EVERYBODY
51. We use Spotify and Pandora instead of listening to the radio
52. The pooping experience has been REVOLUTIONIZED
53. This infernal marimba sound is burned into our brains forever
- Trump's supporters are just as frustrated as he is about not getting things done — and they're blaming everyone but Trump.
- The National Enquirer tabloid is growing by speaking to an audience ignored by mainstream media and backing Trump.
- Model Bella Hadid, who promoted Fyre Festival on her social media, spoke out about the chaos and apologized to ticket holders.
- Will Ferrell showed up to a special taping of Samantha Bee's "Not The White House Correspondents Dinner" as George W. Bush.