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52 Things The New iPad Still Doesn't Have

It's 2012, Apple, get with it! The iPad is still lagging behind in 52 key categories.

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1. Flash

2. A soul

3. Friends

4. Lovers

5. Hair

6. Fingernails

7. A favorite shirt

8. HDMI Support

9. A house

10. A physical keyboard

11. A steady job

12. A bigass sword

13. A car (or a driver's license)

14. A child

15. Windows 7

16. A fat old dog

17. A sly but loyal cat

18. Even a goldfish

19. Consciousness

20. A sense of humor

21. Glasses-free 3D

22. Ontological crises

23. A stomach

24. Stomach problems (i.e. ulcers)

25. A stylus

26. Skin

27. Cancer

29. A bald spot

30. A CLUE (LOL)

31. A long-term hobby

32. A USB port

33. A beating heart

34. A dimpled smile

35. A removable battery

36. Bushy eyebrows

37. Essential Meaning

38. A good, hearty laugh

39. 2.1 Stereo Sound

40. Feelings

41. Regrets

42. Guilt, about anything (even that)

43. Linux support (kernel 2.6.2.8.5)

44. Ethical sourcing

45. A dope beard

46. Just a really good hoodie

47. A cupholder

48. Cyanogen mod

49. Self-esteem

50. A black belt

51. A yellow belt

52. A 4096 x 3072 screen

I don't know about you guys, but I'm switching to Android.

Contact John Herrman at john.herrman@buzzfeed.com.

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