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What Would Your Country Do #IfAfricaWasABar?

There's so much truth in satire.

Originally posted on
Updated on

It started simple enough.

If Africa was a bar, what would your country be drinking/doing?

Then Kenya quite quickly made an appearance as the newly-rich, grabby guy who has no idea how to handle his money, or how long it will last.

@SiyandaWrites Kenya would be the loud "new money" drunk, telling everyone about his cousin Barack who done made it in the States

#IfAfricaWasABar Kenya would be drinking Moet & Chandon on borrowed money.

#IfAfricaWasABar Kenya would be the guy who takes out a loan to pay for bottle service.

Then Zimbabwe swaggered in...

.@SiyandaWrites Zimbabwe is drinking whiskey on borrowed money whilst telling the lender "you ain't shiiiiii. . & you must respect me"

...still waving the flag of its anti-colonial fight, no matter how tattered Robert Mugabe has made the thing...

#IfAfricaWasABar Zimbabwe would be telling stories about how it fought the bouncers to get inside

...and brokering power while everyone was paying more attention to other things.

#IfAfricaWasABar ...Zimbabwe would be at the entrance, negotiating.

South Africa got slammed for xenophobia.

#ifafricawasabar South Africa would be drinking all kinds of alcohol and begging them to get along in its stomach...

And for its bad borrowing habit.

#ifafricawasabar South Africa would be ordering bottles it can't pronounce running a tab it won't be able to pay

And for that thing South Africa does where it's all, "So, we're not really Africa."

#IfAfricaWasABar South Africa would be the neighbourhood kid who drank on your tab but acts like he doesn't now you since he got famous.

#IfAfricawasABar South Africa would be that girl insisting she is not african. 🏃🏃🏃

Ghana felt assured of its place in the world, for no specific reason.

#ifAfricawasabar Ghana would be that guy who gets drunk and starts - for some reason - talking about how much God loves us all

Rwanda showed up and defied all expectations.

#IfAfricaWasABar Rwanda would be the corner quietly drinking their milk

#ifAfricawasabar Rwanda would be that girl that comes with no money and no transport but leaves drunk, happy and rich

While Tanzania practiced, yet again, how to save face.

#IfAfricaWasABar ...Tanzania would be that group of girls that dont get approached all night so they claim it was a "Girls Night Out" anyway

And tiny, unstrategic Lesotho somehow still managed to make it about itself.

#IfAfricaWasABar Lesotho would be that person who nobody really knows but is always in the pictures.

Angola, emerging favorite character in stories about overlooked power and wealth, naturally rolls in late.

#IfAfricaWasABar Angola would step in late like.... (Grand entrance)

There's a tweet about the country's president strong-arming a third term, against previous interpretation of its constitution.

#IfAfricaWasABar #Burundi will be that guy on the phone promising his wife he'll just be staying for two drinks whilst ordering a third

And one straight-up about outsiders.

#IfAfricaWasABar there would be a load of groupies hanging around outside claiming they know what's going on inside better than the barstaff

@itsjina I wasn't talking about foreign corresp'ts… That'd be: #IfAfricaWasABar the hacks would hog the pool table & wait for a bar-fight ;)

This foreign reporter (ahem), like Lesotho, assumed it was all about her — but @fil nailed the foreign reporters down even better in his correction.

This is possibly the best micro explanation of colonialism ever written.

#IfAfricaWasABar Europeans would spike all the drinks then sell antidotes to everyone at a later date

And this is a good addendum.

#IfAfricaWasABar its signature drink would be called "power" and France would be the bartender who always over serves. (Last one, promise)

This one is about "volun-tourists" who, we know, are young and sweet and mean well but just can't stop coming over here to save things.

#IfAfricaWasABar a bunch of American teenagers would show up every summer to paint it.

Some of them don't need much explanation.

#IfAfricaWasABar Congo would be the one coming just to numb the pain.

#IfAfricaWasABar South Sudan would be the new guy with serious anger management issues.

Even in this imaginary bar, there's undeniable realpolitik. And the Chinese are always really in charge.

#IfAfricaWasABar Nigeria would own it.

@SiyandaWrites Kenya would grab that bar. #ifAfricaWasAbar

(We got a big land grab problem here in Kenya.)

#IfAfricaWasABar China would be its main alcoholic distributor.

Hashtag creator Siyanda Mohutsiwa said it just seemed like a fun way to spend a Monday night.

@itsjina I thought it would be a fun way for Africans to laugh at themselves and each other by putting geopolitics in a comedic light.

Jina Moore is the global women's rights correspondent for BuzzFeed News and is based in Berlin.

Contact Jina Moore at jina.moore@buzzfeed.com.

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