1. See Spot Run With Not Jane Hat.
Here is a red, gold and orange crochet had with a multi-color pom pom. This is a crochet version of this hat.
This one is a large size hat, thought it seems to wear well on any size head.
2. Crocheted Beanie.
Made with Orange, Yellow and Red, Red Heart Brand Yarn.
Other colors available on request
Custom sizing available.
1-2 business days after order is placed to make hat. Regular shipping policies apply.
Unless specified otherwise by buyer, will be in colors pictured.
3. Ma's Earflap Hat.
This is an original variation of the hat worn by that awesome guy in that awesome show that was canceled by that joke of a network. No toes were stepped upon in the making of this hat.
4. Handmade Vegan Cunning Hat.
"A man walks down the street in that hat, people know he's not afraid of anything."
5. PomPom Earflap Hat.
Crochet earflap hat. Two colors. Verigated Pom-Pom on top. Made to order.
6. Controversial Hat With A Backstory.
The backstory in the item's description tells the story of a girl named Jane and an evil fox.
There once was a girl named Jane. Jane was a very simple girl. She liked simple things, like catching fireflies with her father. Jane's father was all she had.
They lived together on a small farm with only a few animals. Other than the farm and Jane, all Jane's father had was a browncoat and a hat.
Jane and her father live happily until one night, something goes terribly wrong.
Her father laid on the ground, bloody, unmoving, dead. The thing that had killed him was still there, still hitting them with the big stick, the big stick it had taken from her father's own hands.
It was a fox. Somehow, a fox was holding the big stick in its paws and bashing her dead father with it.
"STOP PLEASE STOP FOX YOU'VE ALREADY KILLED HIM!"
It gets worse for poor Jane.
The fox.. walked back over to Jane's dead father, pulled off the brown coat, and placed it on his own back.
The fox walked past Jane, and over to the house. He struck the match on the side of the house, lit his cigarette, and then threw the still flaming match into the open door.
As the house began to burn, the fox walked past Jane again, back over to Jane's father.
He then defecated on the corpse's chest.
Jane decides to take up her dead father's hat and live her life in spite of the "douchebag fox."
When Jane finally looked around herself, she had nothing left. The house was just a smoldering ash pile. The animals were all dead or crazy with rabies. Her father's corpse was naked and shat on.
Jane crawled over to her father. She gently removed the hat, and placed it on her own head. This was her hat now. It was all she had now.
From that day on, Jane wore that hat. She wore it as she dug a grave for her father. She wore it as she chopped down trees and rebuilt her house...She wore it as she sheared her sheep, spun their wool into quality yarn, and knit hats just like hers.
She then begins to sell her hats on Etsy, as one does.
She wore it as the ISP came out and hooked up an internet connection for her. She wore it as she began to sell the hats on Etsy.
She wore her hat as she stood in the middle of the farm yard and looked around at everything. At everything that would never be the same. At a world that would be a little less happy, but where she would never give up. Where she would go on, despite the fact that the days of catching fireflies with her father were gone.
At a world where that douchebag fox didn't win.
One day many years later, Jane's granddaughter brings her a letter from the fox.
The fox had apparently decided to mass produce that hat that he had briefly glanced at so long ago. Because of this, Jane could no longer sell her hats. The fox had taken Jane's blood, sweat, tears, and love, and turned it into little different than a plastic toy made-in-China sold at the dollar store.
"F*uck that noise!" Jane proclaimed, standing up, throwing the letter into the fireplace. "I'm still gonna sell my hats. I'm still gonna make mine with my own two hands. I'm still gonna pour love into each and every one!"
Sadly, Jane's tragic tale ends soon after she makes this defiant stand.
Suddenly, Jane saw fireflies all around herself. Just like when she use to catch them with her father. Just like when they use to stand in the yard and look at all they had, together. Look at how it wasn't much, but at least they had love.
And at that, Jane fell over, dead. What she thought was fireflies was apparently her having a stroke.
At the end of this, the most epic narrative Etsy listing of all time, the seller adds a note.
Now I didn't shear those sheep. I didn't sit on those eggs. I didn't watch as a fox killed and defecated on someone I love. But I do live in a world where I don't want a fox that does these kinds of things, to win. So, in Jane's stead, I will handknit similar hats and sell them to you.
Ellie Hall is a reporter for BuzzFeed News and is based in Washington, DC.
Contact Ellie Hall at email@example.com.
Got a confidential tip? Submit it here.