There are a few characteristics almost everyone would fill in when answering the question, “I want a partner who is ____.” Kind. Attractive. Funny. Thoughtful. And, hopefully, intelligent. Whether you’re dating online or off, someone hot and smart is a pretty common desire. But when you’re online and you’re trying to sell yourself to potential mates, “show, don’t tell” is really the best tactic. And what will show the internet hordes that “I’m smart”? Proper spelling, grammar and punctuation. A few decent books. And the good sense not to write long, rambling diatribes about how great you are. Like this Canuck on OkCupid, who, to his credit, at least understands that in life and in love it’s usually smart to leave the best for last:
I am an attractive, passionate, intelligent, down-to-earth man seeking an attractive, passionate, down-to-earth woman to hang-out with, who actually knows how to have fun, and ultimately for a sensual connection - anything else we find is icing on the cake.
I’ve yet to meet a woman who can keep up with my stamina and libido, so it really cracks me up when I read all of these profiles on here stating “you have to be able to keep up with me”!
I have come to the very sad realisation that there are waaaaaaaay too many Princesses, gold-diggers, and prudes in Vancouver. Someone please prove to me that there are at least SOME women left who don’t have “Expectation” as their middle-name; “you must be able to make me laugh” written on their profile, or have some other equally ludicrous expectation that a man should be a woman’s personal court-jester.
A mentor of mine told me years ago that I am “very intimidating to women”. I thought she was insane. I asked her why on earth she would think such a thing? Her response was “You’re highly intelligent, good-looking, and sure of yourself. That’s rare and it scares the hell out of most people.” Sadly it’s true - people either love me or hate me! lol Don’t get me wrong - I’m a very nice man, but that doesn’t mean I put up with bs from women. There will be absolutely NO games or drama. One example of either and I’m out of the equation. That includes the dating process - I am not into endless emails, texts, calls before meeting. We should know right away whether or not we want to meet, if so, then we meet. I have no time for those that want to delay the process.
So I am definitely not your typcial pu$$y-whipped Vancouver boy, by any stretch of the imagination.
If you consider yourself “highly opinionated” save yourself for someone far less secure in who they are. ;)
If you’re actually down-to-earth and not a high-maintenance ass, get in touch. But I absolutely will not tolerate any prudes. You MUST have a high libido!!! Anything else is secondary. This does NOT mean that I am a “man whore” or will sleep with anyone - I am really seeking a good girl ready to go a little bad with me….make sense?
I really want someone that I connect with on a chemistry/sensuality level with complete and utter ease…someone I can visit in the middle of the night…by candle-light…and no words are exchanged.
PS - I’m not shallow, I’m just a man’s man - so I have no problem with saying - please have a decent rack!! First Date These are your 3 options if you want to go on a date with me:
Option 1: blow me. You think I’m kidding, but I’m not. Women have expressed sincere shock to me lately that I’m not into blow-jobs - I have never found that it has “done much” for me….I barely ever came when I got head in the past. It’s literally been about 10 years since I last had head. The thing is, I always have had bjs from chicks I knew - so my challenge is this - I’m looking for a perfect stranger, a woman to literally blow me on a first date, but you’ve got to be REALLY GOOD. I won’t let anyone blow me, I need to know you’re very self-assured at this fine art. I am convinced that the rush of being with a total stranger could help matters…
Option 2: this is just plain rediculous, I’m not sure I’d ever do it, but it is a deep dark fantasy of mine - you’re a woman who wants children but “haven’t met the right guy yet”, you’re not on the pill, and you’re about ready to say “Oh to hell with it, I just need seamen” so we meet and #$*& like animals in the purest physical manner possible, all the while you hoping I knock you up and I hoping that I don’t…
Option 3: tea/coffee, walk or hike is optional.
I don’t…”service” myself (which technically would make Option 2 VERY hazardous!!!), so you’d have to be able to receive a large load….
PS - we can also try bukkake.
Who wouldn’t be flattered by the option of trying bukkake with a highly intelligent (one might even say rediculously intelligent) man who is guaranteed to leave his large load of seamen (go Navy!) on your face or, if you’re interested in the purest physical experience of your life, in your fallopian tubes to fertilize your eggs?
Or you can just get some tea and talk about life. You know, whatever.
When super-smarties aren’t turning their profiles into displays of unfettered narcissism, they’re turning dating messages into displays of unfettered narcissism. And sometimes self-pity:
I’m a good guy…smart, driven, an incurable romantic, and believe it or not fairly optimistic no matter how chunky the shit that hits the fan. I’m fiercely loyal and honest to a fault. Maybe this is what intimidates most women, or maybe not intimidate, but it is just possible that so many women are simply not used to NOT having to play games with the men they choose to persue that they cannot believe that they may have found someone who isn’t like that. Such is conditioning.
But I’m starting to think I should just find some loser idiot on 6th Street and pay him to teach me how to be a douchebag, as that seems to be more desirable and acceptable than someone who (at least in my humble opinion) would appear to have all the above mentioned qualities that most of the women on okcupid claim to be looking for but couldn’t be bothered less by discovering if it actually exists when it comes right down to it…even when it is right in front of them.
Sorry for seeming to rant, and it’s honestly nothing on you personally if it doesn’t apply, or I wouldn’t be sending this message to you. I would be curious about your take on this. Maybe you could impart some wisdom to me, something I’m missing. I would be more than willing and want to hear it as long as I dont have to type another blessed word in a text box or on my phone, because as it is I am beginning to get the feeling I should apply for a job as a secretary because my WPM has increased tenfold and I would at least be getting paid for all of this typing and wouldnt feel just as empty and disappointed at the end of the day nor would have to take it personally that I put so much of myself into sharing information that is either too sparse or too dense, and just as easily disregarded much like a boss who doesnt have to value my opinion anyway.
Really…input on this might be nice.
Thanks for your time in reading this. Maybe someday, whenever tomorrow or next week comes, and you’re tired once again of all the games people play with your emotions, you will remember me…the one good, honest and sincere guy who tried. Feel free to contact me when it happens to you again, and you feel like you need to have someone in your life you can trust. Because while my profile will be gone, this email won’t be and you’ll still have a way of getting in touch with me.
The full version of this message was three times as long, but you get the gist. For someone who describes himself as “smart,” there’s a major mental disconnect here. Hint: It is neither smart nor particularly effective to send insanely long messages complaining about women to a woman you're trying to attract.
But at least he spells most of his words correctly. This next intellectual can’t even do that:
Comon isnt it obvious? Lol, strong, dynamic, intellectual woman like you? If we were to get together there would be some intense synergy,cause I am a strong dynamic intellectual type too. It would start with smalltalk but then next thing you know wed be engaged in a super intense passionate discussion about various profound topics and wed just get lost in it and next thing we knew wed be late for work and would probably loose our jobs and have to end up working as street performers! Is that what you want?!?!?! hahahahaha. I’m kidding of course. Mostly. But if that did happen it probably wouldnt be that bad. being street performers I’m sure wed have a lot of fun and make a lot of money doing crazy stuff like dressing up like a nun and a monk and making out in front of crowds of people hahaha. Next thing you know there would be a movie about us and then wed be famous and no one would leave us alone anywhere we went. See, I told you you were trouble. better stay away girl!!! Hahaha
I don’t doubt this girl will have any trouble staying away, as deeply profound (and hahahahahahalarious) as I’m sure their talks would be. Tip: If you’re trying to go out with a person who is a “strong, dynamic, intellectual woman,” at least run spell-check on your message.
Alternately: Write her a rap. Just try to make sure that you use the correct form of “you’re” in the very first word:
Your twenty three Just the age I’m wanting see almost like it was meant to be
oh This just in Your Russian now Your heart is an object of affection I must win
I lack a striking profile so I’m use my rap style. Best you have seen something like this in a while
My compatability is chillen g you can’t fight this feeling see
My tactic is for my creativity to get put in a back seat my physical attractiveness I need some practice chicks but your a magic chick
I’m already enchanted cupid has just crashlanded His arrows are in your handling. I wrote this rhyme to let you know where I’m standing. It’s tough to be a man in
the web cyber surfing the chicks the city of ————— a city which I can barely afford
While I’m sitting hear reading about your doctorate in Comparative literature
This chick lady literati I’m straight diggin her. I hope I get cupids arrow to get to picking her
Then maybe I’ll get to see something more than a profile and picture
We can go fill Sam Adams up in a pitcher
I think I found a classy bitch here (I use bitch completely respectfully)
A free lance tutor who I can marry have kids and we’ll watch them ridescooters (I’m not moving that fast really)
If you wanna take it slow I can just be suiter
I’ll take you home to meet my parents
I won’t take you home to meet my bed
Dinner with the family is what you can expect instead
I’m not askin for you to let me give you a mammagram
I just asking you to see what I kind of man I am
I’m not to creep come ear I have some candy man in a candy ave
Lady literati now that you manage to spot me
Soon you will have got me
And are love will be invincible
There will be no way to stop me
I hate bars to I prefer a quiet rest in peace (not the death kind)
so it’s time to say da vistretchi
And now my abilities I’m stretching
But best believe I’ma stay up onya
Like a sports car riding your ass in your honde
I got a strangle hold on your heart tigether than an anacondy
I’m not trying to conya
So before I rhyme any longer it’s time to say Dasveedanya
Someday we can catch a paris jet
But bus, subway, and taxi fair is next
Best believe I’m just barely the best
Fuck the Bears and fuck the Jets
I’m putting my bare skills through a terrible stress
Let’s seem if they are bearable that’s the test
So I want you to message me back more or less
All the exhibits in the museum
I don’t like art but for you I’m just dying to see them
I’m not joking ya but now it’s time to say poka.
My favorite show is the Sopranos
Come visit me Can you?
I’m respecting no meat or dairy son respect you being a vegeatarian
So carry on.
One day you wear out your running shoes
And I’ll by you some comfy shoes
Or maybe some clown boots or funny shoes
For now I’m down to just have fun with you.
Hit me back litle Snezhok (okay that’s creepy do it anyway) I bet you never got a rap-o-gram message before. You know Tolstoy once said the key to a girls heart is from a rap song referencing her profile. I heard it with my on two ears.
I see a brilliant rap career in his future. Or at least a life writing commercial jingles.
The lesson, internet daters: If you're smart, don't just claim it -- demonstrate it. And if you're not, well... that's ok too. Play up your good points. Are you athletic? Are you generous? Are you are at least intelligent enough to not write an 8,000-word screed about how you're so great and clearly there is something wrong with the rest of the world because you somehow, mysteriously, remain single? Go with that.
The A(n)nals of Online Dating is a weekly column about How We Date Now, from the proprietor of the website of the same name, showing off the best of the worst internet dating has to offer.
Illustration by Leslie Wood
Online dating is the worst. Submit the horrific messages you get, and we will collectively laugh at them.
Contact Ouiser Boudreaux at email@example.com.
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