1.
[date at applebees] waiter: what'll it be? her: I'll have the apple me: *gritted teeth* I guess I'll have the bees then
2.
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ also my brain: John F. Cennedy ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
3.
obtuse rubber goose green moose guava juice giant snake birthday cake large fries chocolate shake https://t.co/mO9yYHXjYx
4.
you’re giving up your DREAM, son. no dad, i’m giving up ~your~ dream.
5.
me: do i look skinny cop taking my mugshot: please stop asking
6.
Disney movies: Me:
7.
i hate using plastic so i pick up my dogs shit with my bare hands. i wish more people would actually care about the earth
8.
*me at a job interview* employer: so do you have any architectural experience? me: hah you have no idea
9.
Him: She’s probably texting another guy rn Me @ 12am not being able to fall asleep and bored with literally no one to text whatsoever:
10.
"yo they lookin for u outside, i bit a kid."
11.
i’m not gonna ask you again, what the fuck is in your mouth
12.
Why is this bee notice styled like a wedding invitation
13.
I made a blobfish emoji as a joke and now I can't stop looking at it
14.
Sometimes when my girl makes me mad I upload pictures with her forehead edited to be slightly bigger
15.
joined that Facebook group where you can only talk like Boomers and I’m having the time of my life
16.
Using little plastic dinosaurs and some fishline, I made a scene for my wife's car backup camera. Now we wait.
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