"What you've seen tonight was my brilliant opus, to take an artistic visionary and subject him to the mindless incoherent trashings of a scattering of mis-created, talentless abnormalities. I call it Genius Unscathed, and this is my masterpiece." -James Franco
1."Who is the real James Franco? Is he an artist? Is he an actor? Is he a scholar? He's tough to pin down; although I've heard many guys have been able to do it."
2."If at any point tonight James Franco fully opens his eyes, there will be six more weeks of summer."
3."Right before the show Seth Rogen rolled a gigantic fatty, because that was the only way we could get Jonah Hill onto the stage."
4."I don't think James Franco is necessarily gay or straight. I think he literally can't open his eyes enough to see who he's fucking."
5."Jonah Hill was born and raised in Hollywood, and you can tell – he's a name-dropper with big tits and an eating disorder."
6."This is truly my punishment for the Oscars."
7."Jonah actually gained 50 pounds for his role in the new Martin Scorsese film because the producers wanted the character to be a Jonah Hill type..."
8.“He once told me he worked for 36 hours straight, which I didn’t believe. The straight part, of course.”
9."In this world, there can only be one James Franco, because if there were two James Francos, they would never stop butt-fucking each other."
10."Jonah, on a scale of 1-10, do you own a scale?"
11."Kim Kardashian is here. Oh, I'm sorry, that's Aziz Ansari. I get them confused—they're both brown narcissists riding Kanye's dick. No, Aziz is only in show business because he's too ugly to be a genie."
12."I was a genius at the Oscars! That was experimental tuxedo sleep art!"