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Valentine’s Day Is Weird. And Here Are 10 Reasons Why.

It’s hard to find a card that says “I like you and sometimes you annoy me, but I might want to touch your butt forever, so Happy Valentine’s Day anyway”

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1. February Is A Stupid Month.

February is the forgotten middle child of the year. It’s the shortest of all the months, and sometimes it decides to have an extra day that always throws everyone off. It’s also got some of the nastiest, bipolar weather. Just yesterday, I was walking around in a thin sweatshirt; today, I can’t feel my lady parts.

2. It’s All A Lie.

History lesson: February 14th is actually the feast day of Saint Valentine, who is the real reason for this magical day. It’s also the anniversary of like, the bloodiest massacre in the history of ever. Neither of these occasions necessitates hearts, awkward butt grabs and flowers. Flowers are stupid expensive, and chocolate is bad for your cholesterol.

3. Cupid Is Creepy.

Who the heck does this guy think he is? He just waves an arrow around like a lunatic to decide the fate of people he’s never met? With no regard to their consent? How is this not assault? How is this not terrorism? Take a moment to consider folklore. Cupid was essentially a streaker man-child who used poisoned arrows to create love. Who wants to celebrate a holiday represented by a manbaby in a diaper? If Cupid was hanging around your neighborhood, you’d be dialing 911 faster than you can say “registered offender”.

4. The Complainers

The 'It’s Just A Day' Guy, the 'Anti-Consumerist' and the 'Regular Sad Single Folk'- You know who I'm taking about. The V-Day complainers. Here's the thing. Valentine’s Day is so difficult not because it makes love a commodity but because it presents us with the challenge of looking at the richness, or lack thereof, of our romantic lives. When people say, “I hate Valentine’s Day,” what they often mean is, “I hate being forced to take inventory of the quality and volume of love in my life.” In conclusion: Remain calm. You are loved. Valentine's Day is not your enemy. Carbs are.

5. Upon Entering Any Store, You Are Assaulted With Valentine’s Day-Themed Items.

I’m just trying to buy some toothpaste and Pringles. Get this blasphemy out of my face.

6. People Who Propose On Valentine’s Day.

How about a little originality?

7. Heart Shaped Food…Is Less Food.

Why are you buying heart shaped foods? WHY. Why the hell would you buy a heart-shaped pizza?? HELLO. THAT IS SMALLER THAN A NORMAL SHAPED PIZZA. Amateurs.

8. All The Restaurants With Enough Of A Decent Health Inspection Score Are Crowded And Fully Booked.

If you really love me, you’ll just make me queso.

9. Valentine’s Day Begins Sucking In Grade School.

Yep, even little kids in grade school aren’t immune to the bitterness that is Valentine’s Day. Every year, kids come home in tears because they didn’t get a Valentine from Dave or Stan, but Dave and Stan gave the entire class one. And Dave and Stan didn’t accept your valentine because “you have cooties” and "super scary sideburns". I will never forget, Dave and Stan. NEVER.

10. It Belittles All The Beautiful, Quirky Things That Made You Fall In Love In The First Place.

We really don’t need a holiday to celebrate being in love with somebody. We have anniversaries, birthdays, and most importantly, Tuesdays. Trust me, If you’re doing the whole “relationship thing” right, then every day will be a reason to celebrate.

Take it from Ted Mosby- "Love doesn't make sense. You can't logic your way into or out of it. Love is totally nonsensical. But we have to keep doing it, or else we're lost and love is dead and humanity should just pack it in. Because love is the best thing we do."

Yea. We may hate Valentine’s Day, but we don’t hate our partners. We don't hate hopeless romantics or even the grumpiest of cynics. We love, love. We just hate that this distinction is sometimes lost.

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