The first supermodel in the history of ever.
There is compelling evidence that the first supermodel was, in fact, Jesus.
Now I'm not sure if anyone's ever come up with this theory before, but I've never heard anyone else mention it. So let's just pretend for a moment that I'm a genius, and that the whole concept isn't at all offensive.
Models often slim down before a photo shoot.
Jesus went and fasted for forty days and forty nights before his first (and last) big modelling assignment. His crucifixion was then such a hit that it became one of the most frequently replicated images in all of human history.
Maybe Jesus was even told, "This image is going to last centuries, so you're going to have to look your best, and you've gotten a bit tubby. So off to the desert, and no food for forty days and forty nights."
The "nights" clause was added in because Jesus was a renowned sneaky eater.
Based on the rampaging success of this strategy around two thousand years ago, models have been employing a similar strategy ever since.
The crucifixion was the world's first advertising campaign.
Back in the time of the J-man, Christianity wasn't even a thing. As part of what's still the most successful product launch in all of time, Jesus went with a stunt that captured the attention of the globe.
So not only did Jesus invent modelling, but at the same time he also created advertising and Christianity.
Talk about product placement!
Jesus on the cross is probably the most recognised and reproduced image on the planet to this day. Quite an effort as nobody back then had a camera, and each piece of paraphernalia had to be individually painted and crafted, as production lines and sweatshops weren't a thing until centuries later.
Oh and you know that white nappy thing he was wearing? That was supplied by one Mrs Mary Magdalene Klein. Making Jesus not only the first supermodel, but the first Calvin Klein underwear model as well.
Which all led to the largest and longest ever advertising campaign.
To this day, these places called 'churches' push the Jesus message out there on a weekly, and sometimes even daily basis. There are also rampantly successful holidays celebrated in nearly every country on an annual basis that refresh and remind us all about Christianity.
You thought Daffodil Day, Remembrance Day, Halloween and International Talk Like a Pirate Day were popular? They're still nothing compared to Christmas and Easter.
The best advertising is free.
Similar to the big clothing brands, which use their logo to turn anyone wearing their products into mobile billboards, the image of the cross is worn around the neck of devotees everywhere, and displayed all over the place. Making the cross not only the most ubiquitous branding exercise of all time, but also among the most cost effective.
Don't forget the true message!
During his time on the promotion circuit Jesus pushed a message of compassion, love for everyone including annoying neighbours, and turning the other cheek, even to those who dress you in a nappy and nail you to a cross.
These days though, Easter and Christmas are both still outrageously popular, but one has become about presents, and the other about chocolate presents.
Meaning that the original messages of both Christmas and Easter have been slyly transformed by evil society into branding exercises, with the core purpose of selling you as much stuff as possible. Although that stuff is mostly bought in order to be given to someone else, so I suppose it's not all bad.
Xavier Toby is a writer and comedian
Follow me on Twitter: @xaviertoby
Like me on Facebook: www.facebook.com/xaviertoby
Email me if you dare: email@example.com