11 Books With Hilarious Amazon Reviews

Have you read this one yet?

1. How To Live With A Huge Penis

“For some reason my wife purchased “How to Live With a Huge Penis” She doesn’t have one that I know about and mine is in the more normal range (small but functional). She just keeps looking at me when she reads it.”

2. The Bible Cure for Irritable Bowel Syndrome

“The claims in this book are false. If you grind up a Bible and consume it in pill form, it will NOT cure your IBS. Maybe I was confused because I only read the title and not the actual book, but my results have been just terrible. I have spent over $300 on KJV Bibles, condemned myself to eternal hellfire for blasphemy, and I STILL have irritable bowels.”

3. What Are These Strawberries Doing On My Nipples?

“I purchased this book hoping on instructions on how to make a good fruit salad. Alas, no recipe. It makes no sense. Who would buy a book that doesn’t teach them how to make fruit salad? I wrote a letter to the publisher for a refund based on the fact that it is false advertisement. He then sent me my refund with his great grandmother’s recipe for fruit salad, only by the time I received it strawberries were out of season and impossible to find. I take this as his sick attempt at humor.”

4. Go the F**k to Sleep

“Shame on me for buying a book with this title and expecting it to be appropriate. Don’t buy this book expecting to read it to your toddler. I thought the title was the only thing, sort of an inside joke between author and reader and that maybe the pages would contain material appropriate for children, but not at all. We just use it as a picture book.”

5. Raising Unicorns

“This is a good guide to running a unicorn farm. However, please be advised that the ‘humans’ who supposedly run it are fictitious and therefore not real. Everybody knows that unicorn farms are really run by elves.”

6. Touched: The Jerry Sandusky Story

“Touched: The Jerry Sandusky Story” will fit nicely in your bookshelf along such classics as “Knifed: The O.J. Simpson Story,” “Fondler: Confessions of a Pedophile,” and “Avoiding Blue Dresses: Sexual Harassment for the Aspiring Politician.”

7. The Stray Shopping Carts of Eastern North America

“Living in a world-class city like New York affords endless opportunities to spot stray carts— as they are favored by our lush supply of homeless, druggies, anarchists and menacing, lumbering oafs. While this book does a great job of covering the finer points of abridged carts (Wholefoods), narrow carts (Dagastinos) and oversize carts (Ikea), it’s fails to delve into the restrained carts that once thrived on the LES at various can drops and alleyways from the Pathmark (now closed) on Pike Slip. Turning a deaf ear to those beloved skidding wheels shows a lack of passion I find hard to forgive.”


“I’m sorry, I thought this was a book about birth control and Jesus, but it appears to be written in FORTRAN.”

9. Penetrating Wagner’s Ring

“Oiled with this literary lubricant, you will find yourself repeatedly sliding deep into Wagner’s ring until a satisfying climax is reached.”

10. How To Avoid Huge Ships

“Given that there is a huge ship bearing down on me RIGHT NOW I am extremely disappointed that I cannot get inst…”


“What a let-down! I was able to easily masturbate to all these images. And I did, just to prove a point to the author about what a poor job he did. Maybe my onanistic requirements are super-low, but I would not recommend this book to anyone!

EDIT: I now, much to me surprise, realize the title is “Images You *Should* Not Masturbate To”, not “Images you *Could* Not Masturbate To”. I now realize my error, but will keep the review at one star for the all the chaffing involved.”

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