"I don't even know what a Capricorn is. A mergoat?"
"Spoiled, insatiable crybabies. Nothing's ever enough, is it, Capricorn? Why can't you just appreciate what you have, Capricorn?"
"Capricorns are usually very smart and very good looking. Also funny. Watch out for them. Heartbreakers."
"Capricorns are always super bossy and entrepreneurial."
"Michael Jordan is an Aquarius."
"Everyone should kiss an Aquarius. Right now."
"I just think of the band Aqua. Remember 'Barbie Girl'? That was a stupid moment in pop culture."
"Aquarians are chill. Like super chill. Aquarians always want to smoke pot or party and just have fun."
"Pisces are the best friends. A Pisces will always have your back."
"Pisces are sensitive. Don't say the wrong thing or you'll be responsible for shame-eating the likes of which you've never seen."
"Their name really says it all. These people like pies. They're not good at dressing themselves."
"They're totally the people who don't like the really funny joke you made because it's offensive to people who don't eat gluten."
"Everything you need to know about Aries is summed up by this Internet comment by an obvious Aries: 'Who the baddest f****rs around..yup..Aries stays running sh8t!;) LOL.'"
"I knew a kid named Aries in middle school."
"Aries are super good friends, and for some reason are always into musical theater."
"Every theater kid is an Aries, and they like to talk in British accents."
"Tauruses are always short. Like, every Taurus is short."
"The only Taurus I've really known is the Ford Taurus I drove in high school. But like the people, it too was dependable, patient, and generous, while also incredibly self-indulgent."
"Tauruses are super elusive, like certain chanteuses."
"The nicest old lady you've ever met who is basically a saint."
"Geminis are two-faced, but they know it."
"The social butterfly."
"Geminis ate their twins in the womb and absorbed their powers."
"Basically the best sign in the horoscope."
"Cancers aren't the friendliest to everyone, but they're loyal to the few friends they have."
"Aw, I love them."
"If you need to go to someone for advice, go to a Cancer. They'll listen really well and won't judge you."
"Cancers love canceling plans to watch Netflix."
"Leos are athletic. I think. They will punch you."
"Leos like to wear John Lennon glasses and pronounce silent vowels. I'm picturing baggy male capri pants and cross-trainers. Stay away."
"Leos are sweet, though they're kind of know-it-alls. They're usually nice enough where you forgive them for being annoying."
"Leos have big hearts and always want things to be nice."
"Virgos seem nice, and they are, but they have a bad temper when provoked."
"Virgos are organized. They're the kind of people whose houses you see in magazines, with all their book shelves arranged by color."
"Virgos are nerds."
"Virgos are losers who can't drive."
"Libras usually have nicely arched eyebrows."
"I think I mixed up Leos and Libras."
"You almost never have a problem with a Libra. They're just chill.
"I bet Clair Huxtable was a Libra."
"...What does that even mean?"
"Scorpios will eat your children."
"It's really uncomfortable that Scorpios are supposedly sexual dynamos because my mom is a Scorpio. Okay, I'm done thinking about this."
"Scorpios are the type to listen to you when you vent and make really good points in a conversation, but when the weekend comes you don't invite them out because you want to be able to behave badly without being judged. Sorry Scorpio."
"Ugh, Scorpios! They have this really sexy engaging magnetism that is just irresistible. Sometimes they get all jealous or possessive or cold or mean, and you're like 'what did I do?' You didn't do anything, it's just the mysterious ways of the scorpion. Maleficent is TOTALLY a Scorpio."
"Is it 'Sagittarians' and not 'Sagittariuses'?"
"These are the people you invite out instead of Scorpios. Conversely, you can't depend on them. BUT THEY ARE SO MUCH FUN."
"They usually read a lot, and are the kind of people who underline things when they read, which I've never understood."
"Sagittarians are mad because their birthdays are close to Christmas."
"Sagis are really cool and smart."
"No one says 'Sagis.'"