Shake your damn head. Seriously? At this time of night?Lay down and take a nap.Answer the call (but pray it’s not your loser ex, Joel.)Strip down and paint yourself red, white, and blue!Start humming The Star-Spangled Banner to yourself and hope that someone near you will join in and harmonize.Kick the first stranger you see in the shins and then shout, “That’s from Freedom!”Begin referring to yourself as Mr. President and everyone else as “Jeeves.”Hit the floor and push out like a 100 burpees. Then vomit.Look inside yourself and see what you’re made of. Turns out you’re a lot of bacteria, water, and hot pockets.Make a half-hearted effort to listen but keep playing Two Dots.Roll yourself into a ball and scream, “I’m a pill bug and I don’t speak Freedomese!”Spread your arms, transform into a majestic bald eagle, and soar away.
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