44 Inevitable Things That Happen In Your First Year Of Parenting
You haven't used your handbag since the day you went into labour.
1. You'll do an internet search for the phrase "baby doing green poo".
2. Your baby will do a poo so big it will come out of the collar of their sleep-suit.
3. You'll completely run out of nappies and be forced to improvise.
4. You'll forget to put a nappy on at all.
5. You'll leave a used breastpad on a coffee shop table by mistake when you leave
6. You'll flash the postman, the Yodel lady, or the Tesco guy, with at least one of your boobs when you answer the door in the middle of a feed.
7. You'll start to look forward to Homes Under The Hammer.
8. The first time you give your baby medicine, you'll feel like you're giving them poison.
9. You'll want to punch the nurse who gives your baby their first vaccinations.
10. You'll go to a new baby group and leave without speaking to a single other person, and you'll feel terrible.
11. But then you'll go to another and make lots of friends, and feel really glad you went.
12. You'll go to the toilet and take the baby with you, in a bouncy chair.
13. You'll get out of the shower multiple times because you think you hear your baby crying. It's always asleep.
14. You'll discover that supermarkets have special trolleys for car seats. Who knew?
15. You'll have an argument with someone parked in a parent space at the shops, who has no kids with them.
16. You'll park up in a retail park and go to sleep whilst the baby naps.
17. You'll know every drive through coffee place and every decent service station restroom. You'll plan your journeys around them.
18. You'll visit more museums, galleries, monuments, and stately homes than you have in your entire life, in an effort to get out of the house and do things together.
19. You'll experience the hell that is taking a crawling baby to the beach.
20. But showing them the ocean for the first time will give you all the feels.
21. You'll meet the "transport tutters" – the old lady on the train, the pensioners on the plane, the other mum with the buggy who wants to get on the bus but can't because of your buggy etc.
22. You'll de-friend a friend on social media in a hot rage about their views on child-rearing.
23. You'll join your local library, and use it
24. Your post-midnight eBay game will be stronger than you could have possibly imagined. You rejoice in winning that Jumperoo.
25. You'll lose count of the amount of times people share THAT Michael Macintyre parenthood routine on FB and tag you in
26. You cry at the doctor's surgery.
27. You cry on a stranger's shoulder in the colic relief section in the chemist.
28. You cry at the music to In The Night Garden.
29. You have a whispered argument with your partner upstairs and drop the F bomb, whilst your in-laws sit downstairs, listening on the baby monitor
30. You'll enjoy a peaceful glass of wine outside in the summer… until you realise you forgot to switch on the baby monitor.
31. You'll take your baby to a wedding and miss the whole thing because you're busy walking the baby around in a buggy.
32. You'll take a picture of your baby asleep and your heart will burst a bit.
33. You'll make up dirty lyrics to songs you learn at Rhymetime.
34. You'll find that one song that will send your baby to sleep/cheer them up, and it will be totally age inappropriate.
35. You'll realise you haven't used your handbag since the day you went into labour.
36. You will know people you term as close friends either by only their forum username, or as "Molly's/Rory's mum".
37. You'll wonder if other mums snigger at brand names like Ella's pouch, My Breast Friend, and the Bumbo.
38. There will be one night, maybe more, where you don't get ANY sleep at all.
39. But there will be many nights when you'll look down at them and it feels like it's you and them against the rest of the world, and you will feel like magic.
40. You will realise that someone complimenting your child is 100% more rewarding than someone complimenting you.
41. Whether your baby is 1 or 365 days old on Halloween, whether you like it or not, they'll be wearing a costume for at least a photographic minute.
42. You'll discover that some of your relatives have terrible taste in baby clothes.
43. You'll develop a list of foods you are confident you can prepare and eat one-handed.
44. And you'll realise that you are showing them EVERYTHING for the first time, what a privilege that is, and how seeing things through their eyes is even better.