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Some Candid Thoughts On The New Facebook Emojis

The good, the bad, and the poop.

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Since the unveiling of the new emojis a few days ago, Facebook has been buzzing with reactions (ha) to the new faces, animals, and sassy info desk girls. The new icons are now seen throughout all Facebook related apps, such as Messenger.

I asked a small panel of "judges," my most annoying and critical Facebook friends, about a few of the faces, and here are the results...

Smiling Face

"I'm noting that these Facebook emojis are slightly bulbous and uneven. Like, why is his smile so far on the right of his face?"

"Or her face."

"There's a plastic factor to these as well, maybe it's the shadow and the little highlight above his eyes."

"Why do the eyes have shadows? Makes him look a little tired."

"The longer you look, the more insincere the smile looks."

I would use this emoji...

"When I'm in a good mood, but not that good. Like I'm having a solid day and don't ruin it for me."

"To mean: It's 5 am and I'm still playing video games, unable to move my face and body above my thumbs."

Face Throwing a Kiss

"Again, the mouth is so lopsided. But maybe it's cute."

"I like this one actually! The pursed lips are a bit more pursed than iPhone emojis. Has a little more umph."

"This design definitely has a little something extra."

"I still can't get past the mouth essentially being on his left cheek."

I would use this emoji...

"Saying something extremely suggestive."

"After saying something mean, to soften the blow. Like an insincere 'jk.'"

Dancing Red Dress Woman

"OK, I actually think this is the best iteration of dancing red dress woman yet. Look how graceful and in control she looks!"

"Agree this is fun and flirty as hell. 10/10 would use."

"There's something adorably dopey about the iPhone dancing girl to me, but I can definitely get down with this salsa action. Olé!"

I would use this emoji...

"When I'm being a complete badass OR it's time for my squad to go out."

"As a dramatic reveal. Like, ta-da!"

"As a mic drop after a super sassy comment."

"I could see using this as a response to a compliment. It's like, yeah look at me dazzle!"

Grimacing Face

"Honestly what the fuck."

"Not my favorite."

"This is the most disturbing thing I've ever seen."

"He looks so upset. Like I can't imagine being upset enough to ever use this."

"The fear in his eyes. This will haunt my nightmares."

I would use this emoji...

"Literally never."

"If my friend is describing a gut-wrenchingly awkward situation. Like he walked in on his boss having sex or something. But it'd have to be really dark."

"When he slips it in without lube."

"Oh god, yes. That one."

Painted Nails

"What have they done to you, my sweet painted nails emoji?!?"

"This has like, a quarter the attitude of the original. This is a major setback."

"Facebook really de-sassed the emojis in general. How am I supposed to be a sarcastic little shit with these extremely literal nails being painted?"

I would use this emoji...

"The only time I would use this is, I guess, having an actual manicure? Even then, probably not."

Flexed Biceps

"Extra shiny. Why are these so shiny? It's like they're all oiled up."

"This one's very realistic too. There's something kind of uncanny valley about it."

"I think it's pretty solid actually. I'd use this."

I would use this emoji...

"When I'm feeling ~sexy~"

"When I'm literally oiled up."

Horse

"I love his dopey face!!"

"The horse is one of my favorite iPhone emojis, so my bar is pretty high. This is cute but not quite the same."

"What's wrong with its hind legs...?"

"Oh yeah, wow you're right. Can't unsee that now."

I would use this emoji when...

"I'm off to the gala. I don't know. When is it appropriate to use a horse emoji? "

"I'm never sure when to use the animal emojis. I think I use them pretty randomly. This one would be a good like, bye hater emoji."

Pig

"I can't get over how fatigued all these emojis look. They need some Retinol or something."

"This pig is way too excited about something."

"He looks like a 13 year old who stumbled into the back room of Blockbuster. You know, when that was a thing."

I would use this emoji...

"When requesting nudes."

"When sending nudes."

"Actually probably after I've received the nudes."

"Guys, ew."

Tired Face

"This aptly named, because this is the most tired looking one yet. I think maybe the designers over at Facebook are trying to tell us something..."

"Maybe it's just that I've never thought hard enough about emojis before, but some of these seems so truly broken inside. Aren't emojis just supposed to be cute?"

"I think this one is actually going to be super useful. I make this face daily at work."

"The longer I look at this one the more emotion I see. Human beings are beautiful, complicated creatures so I guess kudos to Facebook for making suitable iconography for our complex emotional states?"

I would use this emoji when...

"I spill my coffee in the car or something like that. Something that's just like, ughhhhhhhh"

"I'm stuck at home with my crazy sisters for an entire meal."

Lips

"These are some nice lips actually. Kissable, even."

"This is well designed, no doubt. Why is there a lips emoji though? What does this accomplish that the kiss emoji can't?"

"A question for the ages."

I would use this emoji when...

"..."

Police

"Oh hell to the yes, Facebook! Way to get progressive."

"I love this. Look how sexy yet powerful she looks."

"This emoji is my role model."

"The Barbie we didn't ask for, but the Barbie we deserve."

"Are there the race options too?" (Yes) "Hell yes. Definitely working this into my rotation."

I would use this emoji when...

"Calling out mansplainers."

"Talking about what a boss ass bitch I am."

"Interrogating my boyfriend."

Heart Eyes Face

"This one actually really works with the cartoonish style."

"Yeah, of all the heart-eyes emojis this one is definitely the most authentic. I can't believe that's a sentence I said out loud."

"Even the hearts are shiny, guys. Even the hearts."

I would use this emoji when...

"Sending my friends pics of hotties."

"Funny, I was going to say the same thing, but cats."

Grinning Cat

"This is so on point."

"I love this one. PLUS it's not as distractingly shiny as the others. I love the mischief in his eyes."

"Ooh yeah. Like, I've done something ~naughty~ but you could never be mad at lil old me!"

I would use this emoji when...

"This is a good flirting emoji. Seemingly innocuous, but hinting at a deeper mystique."

"Mocking my friend, but in a loving way."

"When I just did something crafty and can't wait to tell my friend about it."

Info Desk/Sassy Girl

"I remember when I learned that my favorite sassy girl/hair flip emoji was supposed to be an info desk girl. This one definitely makes more sense for that meaning."

"Again, all my favorite sass tools have been totally ruined. What am I supposed to use now? Red stiletto?"

"I could see this being a fun one to use in a sassy and informational way. Like oh you silly imbeciles, let me show you the way."

I would use this emoji when...

"Correcting someone condescendingly."

"Saving my friends from indecisiveness by suggestion an awesome Friday night plan."

Poop

"This is the most desperate looking emoji I've ever seen."

"Reminds me of my uncle who's a used car salesman."

"He's just so eager. Like, 'GET IT GUYS?? I'm POOP!!'"

I would use this emoji when...

"Well, I normally use the poop emoji when I'm pooping or just being obnoxious. I'd probably still use it in those cases, but I would feel a little gross after."

"I would maybe use this as like, a triple message after they weren't responding for a day or two. Sort of a self-deprecating move to mean like, hey, I'm not desperate because look at this joke making fun of me looking desperate."

What do you think of the new Facebook emojis? Do you have a favorite or a least favorite?

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