I make a beeline for the Cool Ranch Doritos™ as soon as I get to the local five-and-dimeI have crushed a man's trachea for the last bag of Cool Ranch Doritos™ in the local five-and-dimeI ALWAYS bring a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos™ to swingers partiesI SOMETIMES bring a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos™ to swingers partiesI NEVER bring a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos™ to swingers parties because the pleasure I get from the Intense Flavor™ of Cool Ranch Doritos™ is a very intimate and personal matter for meI've been banned from my church because I've tried replacing the communion wafers with Cool Ranch Doritos™If I were on death row, Cool Ranch Doritos™ would TOTALLY be my last meal!I only answer to "The Ranchman"When my friends try to introduce me to women, they always end the introduction with "and he REEEEALLY likes Cool Ranch Doritos™"I only use Seamless to order Cool Ranch Doritos™When I close my eyes, I see nothing but a single floating bag of Cool Ranch Doritos™I am banned from the local laundromat because of how many Cool Ranch Doritos™ fall out of my pockets and clog the machinesI am holding up a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos™ in my driver's license photoJust saying "Cool Ranch Doritos™" fills me with an ineffably overpowering warmthWhenever my friends call me to invite me over, I always end the phone call with "and I'LL bring the Cool Ranch Doritos™!"You know how in Finding Nemo like the way Bruce the Shark reacts to the smell of blood? That's how I act whenever I smell a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos™ being opened near meI've crossed state lines to find a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos™I've crossed international boundaries to find a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos™I've willingly committed treason just to get my hands on a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos™If I don't have a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos™ in my house, I become catatonicIf I don't have a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos™ in my house, I take out all my frustration on my loved onesIf I don't have a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos™ in my house, I become violentI've taken store clerks hostage over their employer's lack of Cool Ranch Doritos™When I take someone hostage over my not munching on some Seriously Flavorful Snackage™, I ALWAYS refuse to yield to federal demands unless I get a lifetime supply of Cool Ranch Doritos™When I take someone hostage over my not munching on some Seriously Flavorful Snackage™, I SOMETIMES refuse to yield to federal demands unless I get a lifetime supply of Cool Ranch Doritos™No matter the holiday, my table centerpiece is always a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos™I have a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos™ in my bedroom for emergency late night snackageI have a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos™ in my bed for emergency late night snackageI have ended relationships because my partner removed my bag of Cool Ranch Doritos™ from my bedI am going to name my firstborn son Cool Ranch Doritos™I am going to name my firstborn daughter Cool Ranch Doritos™I refuse to travel to any country unless they have a word for Cool Ranch Doritos™ in their dumb-ass languageI refuse to fly on an airline unless Cool Ranch Doritos™ is a snack optionI have singlehandedly grounded an airplane and stormed off once I found out they did not have Cool Ranch Doritos™ as a snack optionI refer to myself as a Guardian of Flavor™I refer to myself as the Emperor of Ranchville™I've tried smoking Cool Ranch Doritos™I've tried snorting Cool Ranch Doritos™I've tried intravenously injecting Cool Ranch Doritos™I refer to myself as the Wizard of Crunch™I've tried fermenting Cool Ranch Doritos™ to make Cool Ranch Doritos™ MoonshineI've tried writing off Cool Ranch Doritos™ purchases in my tax returnsMy bed is a waterbed except instead of water it's filled with Cool Ranch Doritos™I've legally changed my name to Cool Ranch Doritos™
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