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9 Signs You Might Be Dating A Kodiak Bear

Let's face it: dating isn't easy. Love doesn't always hit you like a speeding bullet train. No, sometimes love can creep up on you, slowly tracking your scent through an alpine forest, like a predator stalking a wounded mountain goat. Have you ever stopped and asked yourself, "Am I in the wrong relationship?" or "Am I compromising myself by being with this person?" If the person in question is a Kodiak bear, then YES, you are in the wrong relationship, and YES, you are compromising yourself by dating a bear. Here's a list of telltale signs you might be dating a bear.

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1. Your Date Orders Salmon

Amr Amin / Via

Yes, it's true: Kodiak bears love salmon. However, a lot of non-ursine humans also like salmon. Salmon is a popular entree at many restaurants. It is fairly priced on most menus, and it has many health benefits.

If you are picking up the tab, be thankful that your date orders salmon. An order of salmon is your date's way of telling you, "I want to watch your wallet while I watch my figure." It is not necessarily your date's way of telling you, "I am a Kodiak bear."

2. Your Date Orders Raw Salmon

Jeff Ngan / Via

This all depends on location. If you are at a Japanese restaurant, do not be worried. Humans love salmon sushi. They can't get enough of it. Throw some avocado and sticky rice in there, wrap it up in seaweed, and top it off with those tiny, salty, squishy, orange marbles, and BAM! Delicious.

If you are at Olive Garden and your date asks the server for "just a plate of raw salmon", you should be worried. Stay on high alert for the remainder of the evening.

3. Your Date Orders Salmon And Eats It Like This

Sunny Reed / Via




Humans do not eat like this unless they are really, really, hungry or they are receiving large payments from the Discovery Channel and their first name is Bear.

4. Your Date Is Passionate About The Environment.

Matt Cardy / Via Getty Images

Bears are passionate about the environment because bears live in the environment. You might hear a Kodiak bear talk about how "all her favorite ice caves in the Yukon" are "melting" due to "rising atmospheric carbon dioxide levels" in the same way you might hear your friend who is still working on her novel talk about how "all her favorite local spots in Bushwick" are becoming totally "bourgeoise" due to "gentrification."

However, many humans are also passionate about the environment. If your date brings up the environment and climate change, engage the conversation.

Ask politely, "Hmm, that is an interesting point you raise. By the way, do you hail from an ice cave in the Yukon?"

If your date says, "No, I hail from Milwaukee," you are in the clear.

If your date hesitates and says, "No, hehe, that's ridiculous! Ice cave?? What are you talking about? Oh my, did you order yet? Did I order? Oh wow it's getting hot in here underneath all this fur... I mean... underneath this designer fur jacket. OK, I'll have the raw salmon," keep an eye out for anything else suspicious.

5. Your Date Is Passionate About The Environment, Specifically Wildfire Prevention

Bob Nicholas / Via USDA

Your date is probably Smokey the Bear. He is relatively harmless, unless you are a smoker or an outdoor BBQer, then he will likely give you a stern lecture. Get a few drinks in him and he might tell you about the time he mooned Ronald Reagan. Let him pick up the check. He has a National Park Service AMEX Black Card.

6. Your Date Is Really Into Honey


Fact: bears love honey. Everyone knows this. However, some humans are also really into honey. The "honey diet" is a popular trend in healthy eating, as humans seek to replace processed sugars in their diet with natural sweetener substitutes, like honey, agave, and Stone Cold Steve Austin's WWE Brand "Stone Cold Stevia." Honey contains many natural vitamins, minerals, and amino acids. If your date is on the honey diet, be thankful she is not a vegan, and you do not have to listen to her talk about the pros and cons of using vegan egg substitutes in baking.

8. Your Date Falls Asleep After Sex


Bears and humans both like sleeping and having sex, so the odds you slept with a bear are about 50/50. Don't take it personally if she wants to sleep. She might say, "You can stop doing that now. Yeah, I'm good. No, really, it's OK. You were fine. I just want to sleep." Don't read into it too much. You were probably fine.

9. Your Date Falls Asleep For Seven Months After Sex

Chuck Testa, Ojai Valley Taxidermy / Via

OK. This is going to be tough. Take a deep breath. I need to tell you a few things you won't want to hear:

1) You just had sex with bear.

2) Shut the fuck up. Keep your voice down. There is a bear hibernating in your bed.

The bad news: you're going to have to move out of your apartment, or at the very least, sublet it to someone you really don't like. You can't live with a sleeping bear.

The good news: you have between six and seven and a half months to find a new place, depending on how much this bear ate, and on how warm it will be next April. God knows you'll need all that time with this crazy housing market, am I right?

Oh shit the bear just moved, let's get out of here. Take only your bare necessities. Bare! BARE! Not BEAR! NO! NO! OH GOD NO!

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