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    26 Things You Said You'd Never Do As A Parent (But You Are)

    Fact: Reality doesn’t care what kind of parent we planned on being. Joys and challenges come flying at us (sometimes literally), and we have to adapt or completely abandon our aspirational vision of parenthood. Whether we’re living up to our own standards or occasionally falling short, we always have our children’s best interest at heart.

    1. YELLING

    We are visions of love and patience until a red-eyed demon takes over and can only be tamed once all children are dressed and at the door with backpacks in hand. It happens, even though we never mean it to.

    2. LETTING THEM EAT OFF THE FLOOR

    You’re 100 percent cool with the 5-Second Rule and maybe even the 5-Hour Rule, but you draw the line at 5 days.

    3. PLAY ELECTRONICS

    Your child was going to be screen-free but somehow became an expert at Candy Crush Saga and frequently texts Grandma asking for more candy.

    4. TREATS AND SUGAR

    She was supposed to be a beacon of nutritional purity. Now she’s addicted to fruit snacks and Oreos.

    5. TRASHING THE CAR

    You traded that fresh clean interior for one decked out with smashed crackers, milk splatters and mystery odors.

    6. LETTING THEM PEE OUTSIDE

    Bathrooms aren’t always conveniently located, but bushes and trees usually are.

    7. PUTTING YOUR NEEDS LAST

    “Sure you can eat my granola bar, Sweetie. I’ll just nibble on the cracker crumbs from the backseat instead.”

    8. NOT SANITIZING EVERYTHING THEY TOUCH

    Germs are bad! Keep them away! Except I forgot the hand sanitizer, so just keep your fingers out of your mouth. And that other child’s nose.

    9. DECORATING DIFFERENTLY

    Your house could look so nice. But they’ll just break it. So you’ll get new stuff in 4 more years when they stop coloring on the couch.

    10. EATING OFF THEIR PLATE

    A french fry? Don't mind if I do!

    11. MISPLACING A CHILD

    Not a chance this was ever going to happen to you. But kiddos are like Houdini and can vanish into thin air, only reappearing after panic has set in and you’ve dialed 911.

    12. DRIVING A VAN

    So embedded in motherhood, this kiddie caboose is often avoided at all costs. But then you have another baby, buy one and realize they are chariots of bliss and tickets to the carpool.

    13. HAVING TOO MANY TOYS

    Of course there are racecars in your bed, Barbies in the kitchen and an entire Lego city in the living room. Where else would they be?

    14. TALKING, TEXTING, AND TWEETING ABOUT POOP

    And often with emojis.

    15. SERVING KID FOOD

    Despite your best efforts to nurture mature taste buds, Mac n’ cheese, hot dogs and anything nugget-shaped are dinnertime regulars.

    16. BRIBING

    “Clean your room and you can play video games for an extra 20 minutes.” Wait, did I just say that? But look, it’s working!

    17. NOT SHOWERING DAILY

    My hair doesn’t look that greasy. And skimping on hygiene is such a time saver.

    18. USING SPIT AND FINGERS AS KID-CLEANERS

    It’s just a nod to our evolutionary past when we groomed each other like monkeys.

    19. SERVING FAST FOOD IN THE CAR

    You planned on banning the drive thru, but then they were starving, the snacks were gone and soccer practice started in 15 minutes. Hello, Golden Arches.

    20. TURNING INTO YOUR MOTHER

    You spent adolescence and early adulthood avoiding it, but parenthood makes it almost unavoidable.

    21. WEARING SPIT-UP LIKE AN ACCESSORY

    It’s not a hidden gob of baby puke. It’s a smelly love badge from your baby waiting to surprise you.

    22. LOSING TOUCH WITH FRIENDS

    They keep us sane, make us laugh and remind us we’re women, not just moms. It’s hard to find the time, but we need to call them more.

    23. STILL WIPING THEIR BUTTS

    The diapers may disappear, but you’ll still be there, wiping their tush over a toilet until their arms grow long and dexterous enough to manage it on their own.

    24. PICKING THEM UP LATE

    We aim for punctuality. But traffic/grocery lines/the chatty neighbor/endless meetings sometimes sabotage us.

    25. TURNING INTO A LUNATIC (OCCASIONALLY)

    Much like mogwai morph into gremlins, adoring moms become cuckoo-bananas when exposed to excess fear, exhaustion and stress. Give us 5 minutes of quiet and we’ll return to our typically awesome selves. Usually.

    26. LETTING THEM SLEEP IN YOUR BED

    They keep mysteriously ending up in there, kicking you in the back and mouth breathing all over your face.

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